According to Commission officials, the platforms violated the Digital Services Act by not giving researchers proper access to their public data — or as Meta calls it internally, “classified materials vital to preserving our fragile, completely accidental advertising empire.”
Meta insists it has fully complied, having generously provided access to a beta version of a login form that sometimes loads, and a download button that politely explains:
“This feature is unavailable in your region, your lifetime, or the known universe.”
TikTok pushed back as well, arguing that the EU “must pick a favorite child” between DSA and GDPR, because apparently privacy laws are like Pokémon evolutions now and only one may survive.
A TikTok spokesperson added that “almost 1,000 research teams have been given access to data,” which experts confirmed translates to:
“We let a grad student see three anonymized comments on a Tuesday.”
EU: “You Have the Right to Reply”
Platforms now get the chance to defend themselves before facing fines of up to 6% of annual global revenue — which analysts say Meta is expected to cover by selling approximately 1.3 additional reels of AI-generated thirst traps.
X (formerly Twitter, formerly functional) is delighted to finally not be the only American platform under investigation, sending a fruit basket labeled “WELCOME TO THE CLUB (No Refunds).”
User Experience Violations
The Commission also found that Meta’s “Report Illegal Content” interface was:
- Not user-friendly,
- Structured to discourage use,
- And “designed by someone who once lost a fistfight to a CAPTCHA.”
Researchers said flagging harmful content currently requires:
- Navigating nine menus,
- Confirming your blood type,
- And agreeing to sell your soul to Mark Zuckerberg for improved “safety personalization.”
Next Steps
If platforms fail to comply, the EU says it will escalate to its most serious enforcement mechanism: publicly making Mark Zuckerberg listen to TikTok audio loops for 19 consecutive hours.
As of press time, the EU also clarified that none of this has resulted in fines yet, because Europe remains fully committed to “sternly worded letters” as its primary form of warfare.
Meanwhile, Meta is reportedly testing a new compliance feature:
A popup reading “We hear you!” followed immediately by “Now go away.”