WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what historians are already calling “the most hostile poultry-related ceremony in U.S. history,” President Donald Trump delivered the annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon Tuesday with the warmth of a malfunctioning space heater and the subtlety of a bowling ball thrown down a church aisle.
Under a gray drizzle that perfectly matched the mood of the staffers forced to attend, Trump arrived holding cue cards labeled INSULTS (FALL COLLECTION) and immediately began improvising.
“I WOULD NEVER PARDON THOSE PEOPLE”
The president first suggested naming the turkeys “Chuck” and “Nancy,” before clarifying, “But I would never pardon those people. Those turkeys, sure. Those people? Absolutely not.”
He also took the opportunity to challenge the legitimacy of last year’s turkey pardons, performed by President Biden, alleging they were conducted with an autopen.
“It’s fake. Everyone knows it was fake. Where’s Hunter? Probably using the pardon pen as a vape,” Trump declared, to the visible horror of a nearby USDA official who just wanted to go home.
Pritzker Enters the Chat
The president then swerved into a critique of Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker, announcing:
“I had a joke about how he’s a fat slob, but I’m too classy to say it.”
White House aides later confirmed this was Trump’s idea of showing restraint, and that this was the toned-down version.
Pritzker, reached for comment, responded simply:
“Tell him to come and get me.”
Several members of the Secret Service reportedly called in sick minutes later.
GOBBLE VS. WADDLE: A NATIONAL DIVIDE
The two turkeys, Gobble and Waddle, arrived from Minnesota, where local officials admitted they “weren’t fully briefed on what they were walking into.”
Gobble received the official pardon, as Trump affectionately stroked its feathers and asked, “Who would harm this beautiful bird?”
Several reporters, looking at each other, quietly mouthed: “You. Probably you.”
Waddle, who had earlier wandered into the White House briefing room, was invited to “say something useful for once” by Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. The turkey responded with an actual gobble — a moment fact-checkers later confirmed was “more coherent than most morning cable news segments.”
THANKSGIVING INFLATION? NOT IF YOU ASK TRUMP
Trump also declared that Thanksgiving dinner costs were “dramatically down” under his leadership. Economists immediately clarified this appeared to be based on one local grocery store’s sale on canned cranberry sauce and “not literally anything else.”
Shoppers nationwide reported that prices remain high, but “not as high as the people who write Trump’s economic briefings.”
A BALLROOM… AT THE WHITE HOUSE?
The ceremony then took a sudden sledgehammer swing into new territory when Trump casually confirmed that the East Wing was being demolished to make room for a “world-class, truly incredible, probably record-breaking ballroom.”
Construction crews, caught by surprise, were reportedly seen Googling “can you legally demolish part of the White House if the president says please.”
MEANWHILE, IN OTHER NEWS…
— Trump’s efforts to end the war in Ukraine stalled after the president presented a peace plan written entirely on Mar-a-Lago stationery.
— The Justice Department’s prosecutions against James Comey and Letitia James were tossed out after the judge discovered the interim U.S. Attorney had been appointed by “a mysterious process involving a cocktail napkin.”
— Republicans in Congress continued to break ranks over Epstein-related document releases, proving once again that nothing unites a political party faster than the possibility of their names appearing in an unsealed PDF.
AN UNCERTAIN HOLIDAY SEASON
The White House insists holiday tours will continue despite the demolition zone, though visitors are warned that “festive hard hats” will be required and that the gingerbread house this year will be built entirely out of scaffolding.
The annual Christmas tree still arrived Monday by horse-drawn carriage, though one staffer reported the horses “seemed aware something was deeply wrong.”
At press time, Gobble and Waddle were transported to an undisclosed location “for their protection,” though insiders confirm the location is absolutely not the El Salvador prison Trump mentioned — mostly because even that facility “has standards.”