GURNEE, IL — In a fearless act of microbial defiance that’s already shaking the regional HR landscape, a newly hired employee at a mid-sized Gurnee business took an unrepentant post-lunch dump and did not wash his hands, even as another human being actively detonated in the stall beside him.
Sources close to the hand soap dispenser confirmed the man exited the stall with the “urgency of a raccoon fleeing a spotlight,” while maintaining unblinking eye contact with his phone and absolutely zero contact with water.
“It was like he was proud of it,” said Kyle Jensen, who was in the adjacent stall and reportedly “mid-shift” during the encounter. “I heard him wipe. I heard the flush. And then… silence. No sink. Just the door swinging open like a coffin lid.”
Security footage shows the man leaving the bathroom with the swagger of a guy who thinks ‘E. coli’ is a cologne brand. Hand sanitizer pump levels remained undisturbed, and internal sensors confirmed the soap dispenser wept quietly for 6.3 minutes.
The new hire, whose identity is being withheld because honestly, who wants that reputation, defended his choices by stating, “I didn’t touch anything weird,” a claim experts say is “biologically impossible.”
The company has reportedly launched a new onboarding module titled “Your Coworkers Are Not Immune Systems”, now mandatory for all new hires and select veteran staff from Accounting.
As of press time, the same man was seen eating jalapeño Cheetos with bare hands during a Zoom call — one co-worker fainted, and another accidentally reported him to OSHA.