Gurnee, IL (Silicon Valley North)
In what many are calling a “devastating technological failure,” Apple’s flagship noise-canceling earbuds, the AirPods Pro, have once again proven powerless against the one force no engineer can defeat: Janice, the relentlessly coughing woman in the next cubicle over.
Local office worker Brad Henderson reported the shocking discovery Monday morning while attempting to finish a budget spreadsheet under auditory assault.
“I was in Transparency Mode,” Henderson said. “Then I turned on Noise Cancellation. Then I turned on both and prayed. But nothing—NOTHING—could stop that wet, bronchial war cry from breaching my eardrums like a medieval battering ram soaked in Mucinex.”
The cough, described by witnesses as “haunting,” “phlegmatic,” and “deeply biblical,” reportedly bypassed multiple layers of active noise cancellation, passive isolation, and Brad’s internal will to live.
Apple engineers, when contacted for comment, offered a brief statement: “We’ve optimized for jet engines, screaming toddlers, and awkward silences in therapy. But we never anticipated Janice.”
Janice, who works in Accounts Payable and has coughed uninterrupted since Q3 of 2017, says she has “tried everything” to stop—including Ricola, ginger tea, and silently judging people who complain.
“We’re looking into firmware updates,” said one Apple spokesperson. “But until we invent an AI that can identify and filter out ‘mucus-moan-with-throat-clear follow-up,’ users are advised to simply transfer departments or quit their jobs.”
As for Brad? He’s considering switching to Bose. Or just buying a shovel and digging his way into a quieter dimension.