🚨 Tesla’s Newest Safety Feature: The Parent Fitness Test™ 🚨

PALO ALTO — Tesla owners woke up Tuesday to learn that their Model Y now comes with an exciting new standard feature: “Break-Glass Parenting.”

According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, a handful of Model Y owners reported that low battery voltage rendered the car’s futuristic electronic door handles completely useless — forcing parents to smash their windows to rescue their children. Tesla, however, is spinning this as a cutting-edge wellness initiative.

“Why go to the gym when your car is the gym?” said a grinning Elon Musk on X. “Punching through tempered glass to save your kid burns 400 calories. You’re welcome.”

Wall Street seemed to agree. Tesla shares rose for a sixth straight session, proving that nothing boosts investor confidence like a federal probe into child entrapment.

Industry experts say this new problem is part of Tesla’s relentless commitment to innovation:

• Ford: “We give you a spare key.”
• GM: “We give you OnStar.”
• Tesla: “We give you a panic attack, an upper-body workout, and a story to tell at dinner parties.”

NHTSA says the investigation will focus on why the outside handles are dead when the battery is low and why children aren’t yet trained to perform emergency frunk-jump-starts.

In the meantime, Tesla has reportedly added a new section to the owner’s manual titled: “How to Hulk Out and Free Your Offspring.”