WASHINGTON, D.C. — In today’s episode of House of Public Health, former CDC Director Susan Monarez sat down before the Senate HELP Committee and delivered a riveting monologue that would’ve brought down the house at the Kennedy Center—if the Kennedy in question hadn’t allegedly been the one who fired her. Sen. Bill Cassidy, who was […]
Month: September 2025
TURKEY – Archaeologists and sweaty tourists alike were stunned this week to learn that a 540km hiking trail along Turkey’s Mediterranean coast is basically the world’s first Constitutional Convention—only with more tombs and better sea views. “The Lycians invented proportional representation, built cliffside tombs, and then had the decency to disappear so we could all […]
BOSTON — In a move described by analysts as “the most Google move possible,” marketing guru Neil Patel — now legally rebranded as Steal Patel™ — has announced a revolutionary approach to content marketing: stop creating ideas entirely and simply harvest everyone else’s. At INBOUND 2025, Patel shocked attendees when asked how he promotes his […]
BOSTON, MA — Attendees at INBOUND 2025 were stunned yesterday when marketing guru Neil Patel unveiled his boldest strategy yet: refusing to tell anyone how he actually markets. During a session on AI and LLM optimization, Patel explained that Reddit is one of the best ways to get your content picked up by large language […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump announced today that the White House may begin prosecuting journalists, unveiling what he called “a bold new chapter in law, order, and primetime television.” “Frankly, folks, we’ve been too nice,” Trump said, gesturing toward an ABC reporter who had just asked a question about Attorney General Pam Bondi’s comments […]
PALO ALTO, CA — In a bold move to disrupt both the camping and housing markets, Tesla today unveiled the CyberWanderer, an all-electric RV that CEO Elon Musk described as “basically a giant power bank you can sleep on.” The CyberWanderer features: Early adopters say the new Tesla RV is perfect for “digital nomads who […]
PALO ALTO — Tesla owners woke up Tuesday to learn that their Model Y now comes with an exciting new standard feature: “Break-Glass Parenting.” According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, a handful of Model Y owners reported that low battery voltage rendered the car’s futuristic electronic door handles completely useless — forcing parents […]
SAN DIEGO, CA — In what legal analysts are calling “the greatest SEO crisis since the JCPenney link scheme,” marketing guru Neil Patel has reportedly been sued by FTX’s bankruptcy estate in an effort to claw back tens of millions of dollars that allegedly went to Patel’s companies for “duplicative, sub-par, and sometimes imaginary” services. […]
BELLEVILLE, WI — Runners gearing up for Friday’s Last Dot Standing ultramarathon were surprised to learn the event is apparently doubling as a casting call for the next dystopian Stephen King adaptation, according to race organizers and one suspiciously ominous email from Netflix. The format — run 4.2 miles from Belleville to Dot’s Tavern in […]
AUSTIN, TX — Declaring that “sometimes you just need to flex on the haters,” Elon Musk reportedly bought $1 billion worth of Tesla shares on Friday, an amount he later described as “basically pocket lint I found under a couch cushion.” “People were worried I might leave Tesla, so I dropped a casual billion on […]
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