VATICAN CITY—In a bold effort to restore order to the increasingly confusing overlap between religion and… religion, Vice President JD Vance on Monday urged Pope Leo XIV to “stick to matters of morality” and avoid weighing in on complicated topics like war, power, and the moral consequences of war and power.
“Look, we all respect the pope,” said Vance, a recent Catholic convert now widely regarded as the Church’s leading expert on what the Church should talk about. “But at the end of the day, foreign policy is for elected officials, and morality is for… you know, somewhere else. Probably in a more limited, less intrusive format.”
Sources confirmed the Vatican was “initially unclear” which parts of morality remain acceptable for discussion, with one cardinal reportedly asking if “war, money, and idolatry” had recently been reclassified as “U.S. domestic issues.”
The confusion intensified after President Trump responded to the pope’s criticism of the Iran war by posting an AI-generated image of himself as a glowing, robe-clad healer, later clarifying that the image was meant to depict “a doctor who also happens to radiate divine light and inspire prayer.”
White House officials emphasized that the post was removed not due to backlash, but because “millions of Americans tragically failed to understand the nuanced medical messaging.”
At press time, Vance reassured reporters that disagreements between the Vatican and the White House were “perfectly normal,” adding that if the pope wished to remain influential, he should consider focusing on less controversial issues—such as eternal salvation, sin, and the occasional casserole fundraiser.