WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development no one could have possibly foreseen, the U.S. government issued a sternly worded paragraph today condemning the Chinese Communist Party for… acting like the Chinese Communist Party.
The statement came after China detained several leaders of an unregistered Christian “house church,” including Pastor Mingri “Ezra” Jin. The U.S. responded swiftly by deploying its most powerful diplomatic weapon: a paragraph that begins with “We call on the CCP to immediately release…”
Experts say the move is expected to cause “moderate confusion and zero policy change” in Beijing.
“The CCP will be stunned by this sudden barrage of moral disapproval,” said one anonymous State Department official while polishing the same press release template used for every crackdown since 1992. “If history is any guide, this statement will make them deeply reconsider their entire ideological foundation.”
Meanwhile, CCP officials reportedly responded by detaining two more pastors just to prove a point.
At press time, the U.S. was preparing another bold step — considering the possibility of potentially reviewing the option of maybe issuing a second strongly worded paragraph.