CHICAGO — Local office legend and part-time human Petri dish, Dave from Accounting, arrived to work Monday sporting what witnesses described as “a fully sentient stye” pulsating from his left eyelid.
Coworkers immediately noticed the swelling — described by one HR representative as “half medical issue, half personality trait” — yet Dave insisted on powering through, maintaining, “It’s fine, just allergies,” while the eye slowly developed its own gravitational pull.
“He said he ‘Googled it’ and it’s just a clogged gland,” said one visibly shaken colleague. “But I swear to God, it blinked independently.”
Throughout the morning, Dave was seen valiantly clicking through spreadsheets while applying a warm coffee cup to his face like a battlefield medic. By noon, the stye had become a fully acknowledged member of the team, cc’d on emails and invited to lunch.
“Honestly, productivity’s up,” said his manager. “People are working faster just to avoid making eye contact.”
At press time, Dave was last spotted in the break room asking if anyone else’s vision was “a little foggy,” moments before the stye updated its LinkedIn profile to “Open to Opportunities.”