Experts: Sudden throttle twist may confuse vehicle into offering emotional support instead of braking
CHICAGO — A new safety bulletin issued today advises motorcyclists to “move like a regular person with errands” when a Tesla approaches from behind, after researchers confirmed that the automaker’s Full Self-Driving system occasionally identifies motorcycles as pedestrians who just really love leather and noise.
The warning follows a recent incident where a Tesla slowed gently behind a Harley rider on I-90, mistaking him for “a determined jogger with a helmet and identity issues.”
Witnesses say the Tesla flashed its hazard lights, sent a DoorDash code for Gatorade, and attempted to play motivational audio: “Hey buddy, proud of you. Keep pushing. You’ve got this.”
The confused biker reportedly responded by revving angrily, leading the Tesla to assume he was “a pedestrian emotionally empowering himself before crossing,” and then activating Crosswalk Mode, which politely waved him forward at 75 mph.
Tesla spokespeople assured the public that future software updates will allow the vehicle to tell the difference between a motorcycle and a mid-life triathlon training session, adding that the company is “90% of the way there, depending on how loud the bike is and how many skull decals are present.”
Until then, highway officials are recommending motorcyclists adopt a more predictable gait when riding near Teslas, such as:
- Slow casual walking pace
- Hands swinging gently at sides
- No sudden joy-of-freedom throttle bursts that could trigger Tesla’s ‘encouraging jogger mode’
Experts also warn that if the Tesla mistakes the motorcyclist for a UPS driver, it may simply follow them home and park, attempting to unionize itself.
Motorcycle advocacy groups remain concerned but pragmatic.
“We don’t want to ban Teslas,” one spokesperson said. “We just want them to stop trying to motivate us like we’re training for a 5K.”
In response, Tesla released a short statement:
“Our vehicles are learning every day. If you are a motorcycle, please remain still and breathe calmly. We see you. We respect you. Please don’t lane-split — we panic.”
Motorcyclists nationwide are urged to remain vigilant, ride safely, and, when in doubt, pretend you’re carrying groceries and late for Pilates.