Carpentersville, IL – In an emotionally charged turn of events this morning, local office worker Brian Thompson was faced with the tragic reality of an empty lunch bag – for the second time in 8 minutes. “I don’t know how this keeps happening,” Thompson said, peering into his now-sadly-bare plastic sandwich bag, a tinge of disbelief in his eyes. “I checked it… and then I checked it again. How is there no food left?”
The incident occurred at precisely 11:48 AM, when Thompson, a man of routine and humble sandwich appreciation, took a brief respite from his cubicle to indulge in his well-prepared, albeit modest, lunchtime selection. His plan: eat his lunch 12 minutes before his official workday lunch hour begins.
But, as if time itself had conspired against him, Thompson discovered, yet again, that his lunch – a turkey sandwich with mild cheddar and a hopeful handful of chips – had somehow evaporated. “It’s like I ate it, but I didn’t. Or maybe my lunch just… left me,” he pondered out loud, staring into the abyss of his now-empty lunch bag.
Experts have yet to determine whether the sandwich disappeared via some kind of advanced physics anomaly or if it’s simply a result of Thompson’s reckless habit of snacking ahead of schedule. “I’ve been telling him to pace himself,” said his co-worker, Karen. “But he’s the kind of guy who eats a full meal while still standing in line for the microwave.”
Sources confirmed that the remaining 12 minutes of Thompson’s lunch break were spent retracing his steps, meticulously examining the office fridge, and asking his colleagues if they’d seen his lunch “disappear” (they hadn’t). One thing is clear: at 12:00 PM sharp, Thompson will not be eating his lunch. He’ll be eating the pain of a man who thought he had more time.
“Maybe tomorrow,” he muttered as he placed the empty bag back into his desk drawer, already mentally preparing for the third and final check at 12:05 PM.
As of press time, Thompson was considering switching to a less “time-sensitive” meal, possibly a salad—assuming, of course, the dressing doesn’t mysteriously vanish too.