GURNEE, IL — In what epidemiologists are now calling “the most ambitious crossover event between bronchitis and workplace culture,” the receptionist who began coughing three weeks ago is STILL at it — with the stamina of a Victorian chimney sweep powered entirely by spite and the communal Keurig.
Employees report that the cough has evolved through “at least four distinct eras,” including:
- The Wet Week
- The Phlegm Renaissance
- The Dry January (But in November)
- And the current phase, known simply as The Reckoning
By now, coworkers have stopped asking if she’s okay and have instead moved directly into the acceptance phase of grief. One employee said they’ve “made peace” with the idea that the cough is simply part of the building now.
“It’s structural,” said another, noting the HVAC system now syncs its vents to the rhythm of her latest coughing fit.
THE KEURIG HAS BECOME A BIOHAZARD MONUMENT
Despite being the epicenter of at least three office-wide illness scares, she continues to operate the Keurig with the same confident, mucus-adjacent grip she had on day one. The machine has started making noises no coffee maker should legally make, including what employees describe as “a long, defeated sigh.”
WORKPLACE IMPACT REACHES NEW HEIGHTS
- The break room plant died last week “from emotional shock.”
- The office Roomba attempted to escape out the loading dock door.
- HR quietly added “persistent coughing force majeure” to the employee handbook.
Senior staff claim productivity has dropped 18% because no one can finish a Zoom call without pausing to say, “What was that noise?” at least five times.
MANAGEMENT RESPONSE: STILL USELESS
Leadership has taken no meaningful action, aside from placing a decorative basket of cough drops on her desk, next to a note that reads:
“Feel better soon! But also please don’t use PTO.”
As of press time, the receptionist unleashed a cough so aggressive it knocked a stapler off a desk and reset someone’s FitBit.
Experts predict she will continue coughing indefinitely, possibly into Q1 of next year, or until the Keurig finally takes her with it.