GURNEE, IL — In a blow to Apple’s reputation for innovation, a new real-world test conducted inside a mid-tier office building off Grand Avenue confirmed Wednesday that AirPods Pro’s world-class noise cancellation technology remains powerless against “whatever unholy respiratory symphony” the lady in Cubicle C-12 is producing.
The findings came from local office worker Todd H., who reported that despite switching between Noise Cancellation, Transparency Mode, Adaptive Audio, Spatial Audio, and at one point simply pleading with God, the wet, violent, phlegm-forward coughing from the next cubicle “cut through every known frequency like a chainsaw through angel hair pasta.”
“I bought the AirPods Pro because Apple said they could block out subway trains, airplanes, construction noise,” said Todd, massaging his temples as another coughing fit echoed through the office. “But apparently they draw the line at ‘Gurnee Office Plague Season.’ I’ve got Taylor Swift playing at full blast and I can STILL hear her coughing like she’s trying to evict a demon.”
Co-workers confirmed the coughing has been “going on for three fiscal quarters,” with some speculating the woman is “either dying slowly or immortal and suffering eternally.”
Apple responded with a brief statement:
‘AirPods Pro cannot neutralize biological audio generated at volumes exceeding OSHA limits. Please advise the woman to stop coughing.’
Sources say she has no plans to stop.
Experts recommend Todd switch to the only technology capable of blocking the sound entirely:
Calling in sick and working from home like everyone else in 2025.