LONDON — In a bold move to ensure no one ever makes eye contact with another human in transit again, Uber and Lyft have announced a joint partnership with Chinese tech giant Baidu to unleash a fleet of fully driverless Apollo Go RT6 robotaxis across the UK starting in 2026. Because nothing says “trust” like handing over your commute to a sentient toaster running on Mandarin Linux.
“It’s the future of mobility,” said Uber CEO David Risher, adjusting his VR goggles while riding in a Level 2 autonomous bidet-chair. “These robotaxis have already driven over 240 million kilometers and crashed into 17 fewer things than our average London Uber driver.”
The new RT6 vehicles are 100% electric, driverless, and—most importantly—emotionless. They’re designed to silently judge your playlist choices and ignore your awkward small talk attempts more efficiently than a hungover 22-year-old named Kyle ever could.
“This partnership will expand mobility, create jobs we’ll then immediately automate, and eliminate the need for backseat arguments over the fastest route through Hackney,” a Lyft spokesperson beamed from a holographic press conference held in the metaverse’s saddest Marriott ballroom.
Transport for London has reportedly approved the initial rollout in exchange for “a few free rides and Baidu’s promise not to upload every traffic camera to the CCP cloud.”
Meanwhile, reactions from the British public have ranged from mild confusion to full-blown tea-spitting outrage:
- “Driverless taxis? Wot if I leave me Greggs in the backseat, then?”
- “If it doesn’t understand ‘Take us to the kebab shop, mate,’ is it even British?”
- “Finally, a cab that won’t judge me for sobbing after a pub quiz loss.”
Baidu’s Apollo platform, which is reportedly “2.5x cheaper than Waymo and 7x more confident in lane merges,” will power the entire fleet. The cars feature Kunlun AI chips, 38 redundant safety systems, and a built-in WeChat scanner that sends your destination and emotional state to a remote server in Shandong for processing.
Asked about potential cultural misunderstandings, Baidu engineers reassured the public that RT6 vehicles have been trained on 18 million hours of Love Island, Peaky Blinders, and dashcam footage from Birmingham.
Uber and Lyft also confirmed the hybrid approach will remain: “For now, human drivers will still exist, mostly to remind passengers what waiting 9 minutes in silence felt like.”
Coming soon:
- “Apollo After Dark” – the only ride service where your robotaxi sings “Wonderwall” off-key as it drives past a burning Pret.
- New tipping options: £2, £5, or donate a small piece of your biometric data.
At press time, a Baidu RT6 test unit was seen calmly navigating Piccadilly Circus… in reverse… while playing Cantonese opera at full volume. Londoners remained unfazed.