CUPERTINO, CA — In a bold stand for the safety of law enforcement and the sanctity of corporate obedience, Apple announced it has removed ICEBlock, an app that allowed users to track sightings of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) officers — a feature the company deemed “far too similar to Apple Maps’ traffic reports.”
“We created the App Store to be a safe and trusted place,” Apple said in a statement, “especially for governments who trust us to make their problems disappear faster than your battery percentage during a FaceTime call.”
Attorney General Pam Bondi praised the move, calling the app “a direct threat to the brave men and women whose job it is to sneak up on unsuspecting landscapers.” She added that allowing the app to exist was “basically terrorism, but with push notifications.”
The app’s creator, Joshua Aaron, fired back, comparing ICEBlock to popular crowd-sourced traffic tools like Waze. “People report speed traps all the time,” Aaron said. “The only difference is one helps you avoid tickets and the other helps you avoid deportation.”
Law enforcement officials rejected the comparison. “A speeding ticket doesn’t protect America from the existential threat of people picking strawberries,” said a DHS spokesperson while polishing a tactical vest labeled “Courage.”
Meanwhile, Google also pulled similar apps, citing concerns that “they might undermine user trust in our Play Store ecosystem,” which already enjoys the public confidence of a medieval leech doctor.
Existing users will still be able to use ICEBlock, though experts expect the app to soon be useless as ICE officers begin disguising themselves as Uber Eats drivers, youth pastors, and Apple Genius Bar employees.
At press time, Apple was reportedly considering a new exclusive partnership with ICE called “Find My Undocumented Friend.”