CHICAGO—After years of bravely holding the American economy together with DoorDash orders, emergency Target runs, and the occasional spiritually devastating grocery receipt, U.S. consumers are reportedly nearing the point where they may no longer be able to perform their patriotic duty of purchasing name-brand mayonnaise at mortgage-adjacent prices. The warning came after Kraft Heinz CEO […]
Category: HC
WASHINGTON—In a reassuring reminder that America remains a nation of laws, several of which are apparently negotiable in bulk, former national security adviser John Bolton has reportedly agreed to plead guilty to one count of retaining classified information after prosecutors carefully placed the original 18 counts into the federal justice system’s industrial-grade count-reduction machine. Officials […]
Categories
The Year of the AI Boo
Or: How We Learned to Stop Pretending and Start Arguing with the Future There’s a new ritual happening at college graduations. Not the tossing of caps. Not the awkward family photos where someone’s uncle accidentally records twelve minutes of his own forehead. No, this one is newer. A commencement speaker says artificial intelligence… and the […]
There are few sentences in American life more powerful than: “Don’t worry, I know a guy.” That sentence built half the suburbs, most restaurant patios, three suspicious basement bars, and at least one deck currently being held together by optimism and lag bolts. And somewhere inside that sentence lives the entire construction industry. Because most […]
Somewhere deep inside the Constitution, James Madison just sighed and deleted LinkedIn. In a historic step toward “government efficiency,” the IRS has reportedly agreed to permanently stop examining Donald Trump’s taxes — along with those of his sons and company — because apparently the best way to solve concerns about executive overreach is to simply […]
LOS ANGELES — In a sentencing that prosecutors described as “deeply tragic” and Los Angeles residents described as “honestly pretty standard for this zip code,” licensed addiction counselor Erik Fleming was sentenced to two years in prison after admitting he sold ketamine to actor Matthew Perry, including the fatal dose. Authorities confirmed Fleming sold Perry […]
COLUMBIA, SC — In a stunning legal reversal, the South Carolina Supreme Court overturned the 2023 murder convictions of disgraced attorney Alex Murdaugh, prompting millions of Americans to ask the same question simultaneously: “Wait… his last name was basically Murder this whole time?” Legal scholars now admit the justice system may have been “overly influenced” […]
Everybody understands what a roof is for, which is probably why we are so casual about getting it wrong. Ask a child to draw a house and they will give you the basics: square, triangle, door, windows, maybe smoke coming out of a chimney even though the home is clearly not code-compliant. The roof is […]
SCHAUMBURG, IL — What began as a routine mid-morning snack spiraled into a slow-motion psychological thriller Tuesday as a man in an open cubicle environment consumed a single, fun-sized Yoplait over the course of 14 uninterrupted minutes, producing what witnesses are calling “a relentless, echoing symphony of tiny plastic scrapes.” “At first, you think, okay, […]
WASHINGTON—In a historic moment of bipartisan clarity, leaders across the political spectrum confirmed Monday that jokes told after 11:30 p.m. are no longer to be interpreted as humor, but as actionable threats requiring immediate corporate termination and possibly a small tribunal. The breakthrough came after former President Donald Trump called for ABC to fire Jimmy […]
You must be logged in to post a comment.