WASHINGTON—In a historic moment of bipartisan clarity, leaders across the political spectrum confirmed Monday that jokes told after 11:30 p.m. are no longer to be interpreted as humor, but as actionable threats requiring immediate corporate termination and possibly a small tribunal.
The breakthrough came after former President Donald Trump called for ABC to fire Jimmy Kimmel over a monologue that experts now say crossed the newly established line between “punchline” and “federal incident.”
“Comedy used to be about timing,” said one administration-aligned media analyst. “Now it’s about whether the Secret Service needs to attend your monologue rehearsal.”
ABC executives reportedly spent the afternoon reviewing archival footage to determine whether Kimmel’s previous jokes about parking, airline food, and Matt Damon also constituted “pre-crimes.”
Meanwhile, Melania Trump issued a statement warning that “people like Kimmel” should not be allowed into American homes each evening—a concern media scholars say may be resolved by the emerging technology known as “the remote control.”
In response, Kimmel allegedly considered apologizing before remembering that doing so would immediately be interpreted as either guilt, weakness, or a clever new joke, depending on the viewer’s cable package.
Sources confirm that networks are now piloting a new late-night format in which hosts simply sit in silence for an hour, occasionally nodding solemnly to avoid escalating tensions.
At press time, several comedians had preemptively turned themselves in.