CHICAGO—In what political scientists are calling “the most Chicago thing ever,” Mayor Brandon Johnson this week preemptively declared his own version of martial law—described as “progressive, community-based, and largely theoretical”—to head off President Trump’s plan to deploy federalized National Guard troops to Illinois.
“This is about local control,” said Johnson, announcing the city’s new “ICE-Free Zones” alongside “National Guard-Free Zones,” “Federal Judge-Free Zones,” and “People Named Pete Hegseth-Free Zones.”
Governor J.B. Pritzker echoed the mayor’s stance, saying, “If Trump’s going to send in troops to protect federal property, we’ll have no choice but to send in Illinois troops to protect state property from federal troops protecting federal property. It’s simple jurisdictional geometry.”
The standoff has already sparked confusion among troops as members of the Illinois National Guard—federalized by Trump but still loyal to Springfield—were reportedly seen guarding themselves from themselves outside a Dunkin’ Donuts near Midway Airport.
Meanwhile, the White House insists the mission, dubbed Operation Midway Blitz, aims only to “restore law and order” and “provide basic riot control training to Chicagoans before the next Cubs season.”
“Chicago will be saved,” declared FBI Director Kash Patel on X, posting a selfie in front of a Cheesecake Factory he thought was Navy Pier.
In response, local activists vowed to “occupy the occupiers” with a weekend of peaceful protests, poetry slams, and a planned candlelight vigil titled ‘Stop the Steel (and the Federalization).’
Legal experts say the case could hinge on whether the Insurrection Act can be invoked against people who are, in fact, not insurrecting.
“This is the first time in U.S. history a president has tried to use the military to save Chicago from Chicago,” said one constitutional scholar, “though to be fair, it’s also the first time Chicago sued to keep the National Guard out.”
As of press time, the only bipartisan agreement reached was that nobody wants the troops stuck on the Dan Ryan during rush hour.