In a shocking yet somehow completely predictable development, Crayola has announced a nationwide recall of its “CreateOn Crayola Pip-Cubes” — tiny, magnetized blocks that apparently gave thousands of parents the worst art project of their lives: emergency stomach surgery.
The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission issued the recall after discovering the cubes’ magnets could “become loose and lodge in the digestive tract,” which is legalese for “your kid’s intestines might suddenly become an Etch A Sketch.”
Parents initially praised the new product for encouraging “creative play,” unaware that their children were about to explore a whole new medium: internal magnetic sculpture. Pediatric surgeons across the country report removing cubes that had, in several cases, “snapped together to form impressive 3D renderings of SpongeBob.”
Crayola issued a statement saying it “takes safety seriously” and “deeply regrets any instances where our magnetic toys turned your child into a living refrigerator door.” The company has offered full refunds, along with a free box of crayons to apologize — though safety experts note that crayons are “only marginally less edible.”
Meanwhile, Michael’s Stores said it would be “reviewing safety procedures,” though insiders confirm they’ve already replaced the pip-cubes display with “seasonal scented candles that probably also shouldn’t be inhaled.”
Asked for comment, one parent sighed, “I thought they were building a tower. Turns out, they were just experimenting with magnetic field lines in their colon.”
As of press time, Crayola was reportedly testing a new slogan:
“Crayola: For External Use Only.”