AUSTIN, TX — With only weeks left before his self-imposed deadline, Tesla CEO Elon Musk reaffirmed Monday that he totally plans to remove the “safety monitors” currently sitting in the front passenger seats of his Austin robotaxis — a move experts say will transform the transportation industry, the stock market, and possibly the Darwin Awards.
Musk, who has been on a recent streak of announcing breakthroughs that begin with “we’re close” and end with “regulators are cowards,” told followers on X that Tesla is “approaching an irreversible tipping point” in autonomous driving, clarifying that the tipping point refers to both the technology and the actual vehicle while it’s driving itself.
Tesla fans cheered the announcement, noting that with 6.5 billion miles of FSD data collected, the system is now “basically the oldest and most experienced driver in the world,” narrowly beating out a 103-year-old in Sarasota who still drives to Publix twice a week.
Analysts agreed, calling Tesla stock a “must-own” for investors who are excited about a future where all cars drive themselves and nobody is responsible for anything anymore.
“Tesla’s autonomy lead is irreversible,” one analyst said, while visibly sweating as his robo-advisor bought several thousand shares on its own. “We’re witnessing the biggest shift in industrial history. Or at least the biggest shift since Elon last tweeted something bold while bored.”
Tesla Unveils AI Chips That Will “Save Millions of Lives and Probably Cure Knees or Something”
In a separate post, Musk boasted that Tesla has developed “several million AI chips,” many of which have been deployed into cars, test racks, and possibly whatever mysterious server cabinets he occasionally walks by in promotional photos.
Tesla engineers say they are close to finishing its next chip, the A15, while already beginning work on the A16, which Musk says will be released on a “12-month cadence, give or take several years.”
Musk added that the chips will eventually “provide advanced medical care to all people via Optimus,” suggesting that Tesla’s humanoid robot will soon be capable of both performing emergency surgery and folding your laundry, though not necessarily in that order.
Legacy Automakers Still Not Interested in Licensing FSD, Despite Musk’s Repeated Offers At 3 A.M.
Musk expressed frustration that legacy car companies still refuse to license Tesla’s Full Self-Driving system.
“It’s crazy,” Musk tweeted. “I tell them, ‘Hey, take this thing — it sort of mostly works!’ And they’re like, ‘Elon, please stop calling us.’ Even when they do ask about it, they want to try it on like, one car in five years. Total losers.”
Volkswagen declined to comment, citing “ongoing concerns” and the fact they were “busy trying to make turn signals that don’t sound like a Geiger counter.”
Adoption Remains Low Because Only 12% of Tesla Drivers Like Their Lives That Much
Tesla CFO Vaibhav Taneja acknowledged that only about 12% of Tesla owners actually pay for FSD, with the remaining 88% opting for “the package where the car politely hints at lane changes but doesn’t actually do them.”
Regulators in Europe and China remain unconvinced as well, with the Dutch vehicle authority publicly announcing:
“We have promised absolutely nothing, we have committed to absolutely nothing, and we do not know why Tesla is pretending otherwise.”
When asked for comment, Musk simply winked at reporters and whispered, “Manifestation.”
Tesla Shares Dip Slightly, Though Analysts Blame Gravity
Tesla stock fell around 2.3% Tuesday, but analysts noted that gravity has historically affected Tesla shares “from time to time” and is “not necessarily indicative of fundamental weakness.”
“This stock is headed to the moon,” one analyst said, “though currently it’s making a brief layover in the parking lot.”
The Great Robotaxi War of 2026 Approaches
Industry analysts predict that 2026 will be the year the world finally learns whether robotaxis are the future — or merely a very expensive way to Uber to Chipotle without any humans involved.
Tesla will face fierce competition from Waymo, Zoox, Cruise (if they ever reappear), and possibly Amazon drones that just decide to start giving people rides for fun.
Musk remains optimistic.
“By next year,” he said, “half the U.S. population will be served by Tesla robotaxis. The other half will simply have to walk, which is great cardio.”