GURNEE, IL — Just days after making local history as the first employee to drop a deuce and flee the restroom without washing his hands in the presence of active splash damage, the mysterious “No-Wash Bandit” has struck again — and this time, he’s been identified… by his shoes.
Kyle Jensen, the traumatized stall witness from the previous incident, reported hearing the now-infamous flush-wipe-zip-leave sequence again during his morning coffee evacuation ritual. But this time, Kyle was prepared.
“I couldn’t see his face,” Kyle said, eyes locked in a thousand-yard stare. “But I looked down… and I saw the same hideous lime-green Yeezy knockoffs with one broken lace. It was him. I know it was him.”
According to sources, the man once again bypassed all hand-washing protocols, leaving the bathroom with the same ghostlike silence — save for the squeak of his unmistakable bargain-bin footwear. The scent of Axe body spray lingered in the air like a war crime.
“I didn’t say anything,” Kyle confessed. “I just stared at the shoes under the stall door and whispered, ‘I know what you did… and what you didn’t wash.’”
In response to the repeat offense, office leadership has posted a sign reading “Employees Must Wash Hands (Looking at YOU, Green Shoes)” and has requested a bulk order of motion-sensing cameras, peppermint soap, and holy water.
The No-Wash Bandit remains at large, but coworkers report he now eats exclusively with plastic cutlery — including Cheetos.
An internal HR memo concludes ominously: “We don’t know who he is yet. But we know what he’s done. And we’ve seen his shoes.”