HOLLYWOOD, CA — In a move analysts are calling “the entertainment industry’s version of drunk-texting your ex at 2 a.m. with a Venmo request,” Paramount on Monday launched a hostile takeover bid for Warner Bros. Discovery, offering a staggering $74.4 billion — $2.4 billion more than Netflix, or roughly the GDP of a medium-sized European jacket potato.
The offer comes just days after Warner executives happily accepted Netflix’s $72 billion proposal, reportedly because Netflix promised to “let them keep rebooting Batman until every American citizen has portrayed him at least once.”
But Paramount, high on Top Gun residuals and the delusion that everyone still watches cable, is now appealing directly to shareholders, bypassing Warner management — who, sources say, have demonstrated the same interest level in Paramount’s offers as audiences have in Aquaman 2.
“We’re offering them more money, more content consolidation, and fewer regulatory nightmares than Netflix,” a Paramount spokesperson said. “Plus, we’re the only company that fully intends to keep the cable networks, which Netflix treated like a dead raccoon in the garage.”
Insiders say Paramount is prepared to purchase all of Warner’s business, including prized assets CNN, HBO, and DC Studios, as well as less-prized assets like whatever CW is doing, and the fourth property brother. Netflix reportedly tried dumping the cable networks like leftover potato salad at the end of a barbecue, telling Warner execs they could “figure that out on their own time.”
To sweeten the deal, Paramount emphasized that their offer includes $18 billion more cash than Netflix’s bid — a strategic attempt to attract shareholders and remind America that tech companies are still paying largely in “exposure” and “vibes.”
Paramount also argued that its deal is more likely to pass antitrust scrutiny from the Trump administration, which experts agree is the first time in history a corporation has bragged about being more appealing to a government led by a man who once tried to buy Greenland on Twitter.
Legal scholars noted that Trump-era regulators are unlikely to block the merger, since they “do not recognize antitrust unless it personally blocks them from watching reruns of The Apprentice on multiple platforms at once.”
Netflix declined to comment, because the company has fired its entire PR department and replaced it with one algorithm trained to respond with, “New season coming soon!”
Warner Bros. Discovery, meanwhile, is reportedly torn between the two offers. Sources say executives were initially leaning toward Netflix, but became intrigued by Paramount’s offer when they found out it included a plan to merge HBO Max with Paramount+ into a new service called “Please God Just One Streaming Service Max+.”
Industry analysts warn the takeover battle may drag on for months, with billions of dollars at stake, thousands of jobs on the line, and the terrifying possibility that the winning company will gain control of both CNN and Batman, giving them the power to broadcast nightly news with a cape and gravelly voice.
“We have to think responsibly here,” one shareholder told reporters. “A world where one company owns all of DC, Harry Potter, and cable news is a world where they can reboot anything — including democracy.”
Warner stock surged 15% Monday, driven by optimism that one of these massive corporations will soon buy the other massive corporation, allowing the remaining massive corporation to produce even more identical superhero films until the heat death of the universe.
At press time, Disney was reportedly preparing a counteroffer valued at $90 billion, plus one coupon for free churro redemption at any U.S. theme park.