WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what economists are calling “Bring Your Authoritarian Dad to Work Day,” the Trump administration petitioned the Supreme Court Thursday to let the president personally escort Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook out of the Eccles Building with a box of her belongings.
Trump, who has been aggressively trying to fire people from agencies he just learned exist, said Cook’s removal was necessary to ensure “interest rates stay low enough for me to buy Greenland this time.” He added that Cook had engaged in “mortgage fraud,” which apparently now covers signing any loan document the president doesn’t like.
Supreme Court May Decide if Monetary Policy Is Just a Vibe Now
The conservative-leaning court has previously allowed Trump to sack heads of independent agencies with the same effort most people reserve for unfriending someone on Facebook. But justices have hinted the Fed might be special — mainly because if you mess with it too much, the entire global economy gets the shakes, and Justice Roberts doesn’t want to see his 401(k) turn into a 201(k).
Markets Brace for ‘Take Your Job Back Friday’
Cook, who actually attended the Fed meeting that cut interest rates this week, reportedly “ruined the vibe” by not asking Trump if he wanted to push the big red button himself. Trump’s legal team argues that “due process” was followed because “we said the words ‘due process,’ and that should count.”
Wall Street Reacts
Stocks initially dipped before rebounding on the news, as investors realized they can make money no matter who’s in charge as long as chaos continues. “If he fires the entire Fed, we’ll just create a meme stock ETF called $RATECUT,” said one hedge fund manager between sips of a $27 latte.
In related news, the White House has reportedly drafted executive orders to personally set the prime rate, approve mortgage applications, and decide who gets to buy a house based on “vibes and loyalty.”