WASHINGTON — In a groundbreaking White House initiative clearly inspired by the customer-rewards model of Subway punch cards, President Donald Trump has pardoned Binance founder Changpeng Zhao after what aides described as a “long and painful vetting process consisting of one phone call and a very beautiful wire transfer.”
Press secretary Karoline Leavitt praised the decision, saying the Biden administration had been “far too mean to billionaires who accidentally operate an unlicensed global money-laundering empire.” She further explained that Trump is merely “defending the free market’s right to anonymously move $70 billion through the Cayman Islands at 3AM.”
The pardon, analysts say, sets two important precedents:
- Crypto regulation is now fully replaced with ‘vibe verification.’
- Future financial crimes may be cleared instantly by showing a World Liberty Financial punch code at checkout.
Sources close to the Trump family clarified that this decision was “absolutely not related” to the fact that the Trump crypto empire — excuse me, blockchain-enabled freedom platform — is literally hosted on Binance servers, relies on Binance liquidity, markets its tokens through Binance influencers, and apparently stores its Wi-Fi password inside CZ’s jacket.
“Total coincidence,” the source noted while trying to hide a “CZ 2028” bumper sticker.
The pardon also comes shortly after Trump pardoned Ross Ulbricht and three BitMEX founders, in what experts are calling “the largest early-release program ever created exclusively for dudes who own yacht marinas in Malta.”
Crypto world reaction has been ecstatic, with one influencer declaring,
“Finally, justice for the oppressed — specifically billionaires with offshore wallets.”
The White House denied any accusations of corruption.
“This administration conducted a thorough legal review,” Leavitt said.
Then, after a pause:
“…and by review, I mean Binance emailed us a folder titled ‘Pardon Draft — FINAL FINAL_V6.pdf.’”
Trump reportedly celebrated the pardon by announcing a new national initiative called “Crypto the Vote,” which will allow Americans to make political donations directly in TrumpCoin, PatriotCoin, or Legal Defense Fund USD₁ Stablecoin™.
Biden’s camp responded by saying they will now “aggressively look into Web1.”
When asked whether there will be more pardons, Leavitt said:
“Only if additional crypto executives need them — or, alternatively, have an excellent affiliate program.”
Welcome to America’s new economic strategy:
If you can’t beat regulation… buy the guy who deletes it.