WASHINGTON— In a bold new expansion of free-market principles, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that companies are now free to request billions in legally owed tariff refunds—so long as they’re comfortable being placed on what aides are calling a “purely sentimental, definitely-not-retaliatory memory list.” Speaking from a phone interview that economists later described as “legally […]
Month: April 2026
VATICAN CITY—In a bold effort to restore order to the increasingly confusing overlap between religion and… religion, Vice President JD Vance on Monday urged Pope Leo XIV to “stick to matters of morality” and avoid weighing in on complicated topics like war, power, and the moral consequences of war and power. “Look, we all respect […]
WASHINGTON—In an effort to clear up centuries of confusion about the scope of papal authority, Vice President J.D. Vance on Monday gently reminded Pope Leo XIV that his job is to “handle vibes, candles, and maybe forgiveness,” while leaving all policy matters—such as war, immigration, and crime—to “people with access to cable news green rooms.” […]
BOSTON—Calling it a “breakthrough for people who prefer their miracles non-visual,” researchers announced Tuesday that GLP-1 weight loss drugs are now clinically proven to improve your heart, liver, and overall sense of being cared for—while leaving your jeans in a long-term, stable relationship with your waistline. “Look, not everyone loses weight, and that’s okay,” said […]
LOS ANGELES—In a shocking turn of events that experts say “really escalated things,” celebrity dermatologist Dr. Sandra Lee, known for extracting humanity’s most committed blackheads, revealed she suffered a stroke while filming her hit show, marking the first time in her career that an issue proved not immediately poppable. Sources confirm Lee initially attempted to […]
ISLAMABAD/WASHINGTON/DUBAI — In a bold new diplomatic strategy experts are calling “war, but with scheduling flexibility,” U.S. and Iranian officials announced Tuesday that peace talks could resume within days, just as both sides complete a full-scale effort to economically suffocate one another. President Donald Trump, speaking with the calm confidence of a man casually rearranging […]
WASHINGTON—Vice President J.D. Vance on Tuesday urged Americans to relax after President Trump briefly posted an AI-generated image of himself radiating divine light, clarifying that the post was “clearly a joke,” and not, as several million people concluded, the soft launch of a new branch of Christianity called Executive Orderism. “Look, the President likes to […]
Somewhere, right now, a CEO is scrolling LinkedIn, sees someone who once scheduled 47 Instagram posts in a week, and thinks, “Yes. This is the strategic architect of our company’s future.” And just like that, another job description is born: “Looking for a visionary CMO. Must be proficient in Canva.” The Confusion Isn’t Funny—Until You […]
NEW YORK—In a bold move signaling its continued commitment to “reinvention, but like, professionally,” Peloton announced the hiring of Sarah Robb O’Hagan, an executive whose résumé has now successfully completed more strategic pivots than Peloton bikes have collected dust. O’Hagan, who will serve as Chief Content and Member Development Officer, brings a proven track record […]
MOUNT PROSPECT, IL — What began as a triumphant moment of modern consumer victory quickly spiraled into a cross-county odyssey Tuesday after local man George Johnson attempted to redeem Subway’s “FTL699” promo code, only to discover the nearest participating location was, for reasons still under federal investigation, 26 miles away. “I thought, finally, the system […]
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