NEW YORK—In what historians are now calling “a decisive and deeply strategic victory,” a set of bone spurs located in the feet of a 22-year-old college graduate reportedly neutralized the entire threat of the Vietnam War in 1968. The bone spurs, which emerged just in time after four years of academically-based tactical evasion, were described […]
Month: April 2026
MOSCOW—In a bold move to streamline modern conflict, Russian officials confirmed Tuesday that their satellites have been upgraded from “passive observers of global tension” to what insiders are calling “aggressively helpful coworkers.” According to intelligence reports, the satellites have spent the last several weeks conducting highly detailed surveys of military sites across the Middle East—an […]
WASHINGTON—After weeks of confusion, escalating conflict, and what experts are now calling “a bold new strategy of improvisational geopolitics,” the nation breathed a collective sigh of relief Wednesday night as the president delivered a long-awaited Oval Office address clarifying the war—by essentially scrolling through his own social media feed and riffing on it live. Viewers […]
HOFFMAN ESTATES, Ill. — In a bold display of confidence typically reserved for people who think they can “just hop on I-90 real quick,” a local man attempted to rob a Huntington Bank Wednesday morning—only to be politely, efficiently, and almost aggressively suburbanly arrested approximately one minute later. Witnesses say the man entered the bank […]
You ever notice how we treat our phones like loyal assistants? We ask them for directions.We trust them with our banking.We let them read our faces like a TSA agent with better lighting. And then—every once in a while—we’ll lean back, squint suspiciously, and say something like:“Hey… I think my phone is listening to me.” […]
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