SPRINGFIELD, IL — After accidentally admitting in 2020 that it spent eight years buying political affection the old-fashioned way (with briefcases full of friends-and-family “consulting jobs”), ComEd has proudly announced it has fully transitioned to a healthier, modern-day corporate romance model known as “regulation-lite, prices-max.”
Under the agreement, ComEd pays a one-time emotional support fine of $200 million, then Illinois residents continue paying whatever ComEd says… forever.
In unrelated news, rates mysteriously skyrocketed.
Consumers across the state celebrated the return of higher bills, grateful for the opportunity to personally underwrite “grid modernization,” “administrative excellence,” and “executive morale.”
“Back in 2019, we had to sneak around in back rooms to overcharge people,” said one anonymous former executive on his way to federal sentencing.
“Now we just do it in daylight — it’s so freeing.”
A Modern Innovation in Corporate Accountability
Rather than… stop the behavior, critics say Illinois regulators bravely chose a more visionary path: letting ComEd regulate itself, the electrical equivalent of letting the fox unionize and then manage the henhouse with a “performance bonus.”
Customers will now pay record rates thanks to a capacity auction so “fair” and “transparent” that the Illinois Attorney General politely filed a federal complaint asking to please re-run it but with slightly less robbery next time.
Consumers React
Local residents say the arrangement brings comfort — much like Stockholm Syndrome, but with auto-pay.
- “I love the suspense,” said one Chicago homeowner. “Every month I open my bill like it’s a scratch-off ticket sponsored by organized utility pricing.”
- “We don’t get bribery scandals like we used to,” said another. “Now it just shows up in my electric bill line item. Way more convenient.”
Looking Forward
ComEd has reassured Illinois that the next round of infrastructure improvements will be “state-of-the-art, gold-plated, and emotionally fulfilling,” paid for by additional rate hikes generously sponsored by… you.
When asked if they regret the past misconduct, one spokesperson said:
“Absolutely — our only regret is not branding it sooner as a subscription-based democracy.”
⚡️ ComEd: Lighting the Way — Mostly Into Your Wallet.