HUNTLEY, IL — Productivity at a local office has plummeted after “The Fate of Ophelia” mysteriously became the only song played in the building, looping with the emotional persistence of a Victorian ghost who failed her freshman poetry class.
What began as “background music” has now entered its third fiscal quarter.
Workers report the psychological effects range from “melancholic yearning for a love I never had” to “googling if swan-shaped antidepressants are FDA approved.”
“I don’t remember what silence sounds like anymore,” said one employee while unconsciously braiding her stapler’s wire like it was a lock of a dead lover’s hair. “Every morning I come in thinking maybe—just maybe—it’ll be something else. Then those first tragic chords hit, and I know I am but a fragile reed in life’s merciless storm.”
HR says a “Music Variety Initiative” was considered, but was ultimately rejected after leadership determined “the staff must learn from the suffering.”
The printer has now begun jamming only during the chorus.
An intern attempted to switch the playlist earlier this week, but witnesses report she simply walked down the hallway toward the speaker system and then “just kept walking straight into the void.”
Experts warn that if the trend continues through Q4, the entire office could fully transition into a Gothic abbey by January, with all new hires required to submit a cover letter written in blood-ink quill.
In unrelated news, stapler theft is up 700%.