HUNTLEY, IL — In a bold stand against progress, convenience, and the horrors of young people visiting on purpose, Village of Huntley officials have officially rejected a stop on the upcoming Chicago-to-Rockford Metra line.
“We just can’t risk outsiders having a reason to get off the train here,” said one proud resident while polishing his second Panera Rewards card. “What if people came, spent money, or worse… decided Huntley was accessible?”
State transportation planners politely noted that the absence of a Huntley station won’t change the project’s $275 million rollout, but may “slightly reduce the number of confused Chicagoans Googling ‘what is a Huntley’ while passing through at 50 mph.”
Local leaders say the decision preserves Huntley’s historic tradition of being “kind of near things, but absolutely not connected to them.”
Early conceptual drawings for the scrapped station have already been ceremonially shredded and neutered, and in their place the Village is reportedly exploring “high-priority infrastructure alternatives,” including:
- A third Culver’s
- A commemorative “Future Site of Nowhere” plaque
- An $800,000 decorative median honoring left turns
- Another Panera, but this one with nostalgia lighting
Transportation experts warn that skipping Huntley could limit future economic growth, while Huntley officials countered by pointing to their actual list of civic priorities:
- Pretending the town is still small
- Costco
- Roundabouts
- Telling Elgin to “stay on its side”
Residents remain confident that when the year 2037 brings a follow-up study about whether they should maybe reconsider a station, the Town Board will courageously shout “absolutely not” from the nearest barn-converted-into-event-space.
“People move here because it’s peaceful,” said one local homeowner. “And nothing preserves peace like preventing a train from gently stopping every couple hours.”
Metra officials could not be reached for comment, as they were reportedly busy planning a station in literally any other town that likes money.