WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling “a bold new era of criminal justice outsourcing,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio reportedly agreed to trade away federal informants like expired Pokémon cards in exchange for VIP access to El Salvador’s internationally-renowned Torture Spa & Resort, also known as CECOT — the world’s only prison marketed as both a detention facility and a theme park for authoritarians.
According to officials, the deal was sealed after Rubio agreed to “forget” certain MS-13 members were actually DOJ-protected informants, allowing them to be rebranded as “limited edition deportation collectibles” for President Nayib Bukele’s political trophy case.
Administration spokespeople praised the historic achievement:
“Venezuelans are back in Venezuela, informants are back in prison, and the Attorney General is back Googling ‘can we just do that?’” said State Department press secretary Tommy Pigott while high-fiving a bald eagle.
Trump reportedly called Rubio seven times in one afternoon while Rubio was overseas to finalize the arrangement, shouting “SIGN THE THING” over speakerphone like a dad closing on a used car.
Sources say the rush was necessary because a federal judge had not yet had time to say, “Absolutely not, what the hell is this.”
Meanwhile, former DOJ officials expressed shock that years of investigations were casually vaporized by a phone call and a diplomatic shrug.
“Imagine working a case for 18 months just to have Marco Rubio hand it over like a DoorDash order,” one ex-FBI agent lamented. “I feel like I should be able to leave a one-star Yelp review.”
Human rights observers noted that the facility functions as a “tropical gulag with influencer-grade lighting,” perfect for leaders who want to imprison thousands but still have the option of drone footage that really pops on social media.
At press time, Rubio denied wrongdoing, explaining that he didn’t “abandon protected U.S. informants” — he simply “repositioned them internationally for enhanced immersive accountability.”
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