Tesla has once again delivered on its promise of “up to 340 miles of range”, according to testing performed in a controlled environment:
• 47 degrees
• downhill
• tailwind supplied by God
• speed: 19mph
• radio off
• passengers: 0
• hope: maximum
However, unconfirmed sources report a slight reduction in range when driven like an actual car on an actual highway with, you know, other humans present. In a shocking twist, once the vehicle increased speed to 70 mph — also known as “legal highway travel” — the battery responded by screaming emotionally and curling into the fetal position.
Tesla clarified via a footnote in six-point font:
“Range estimates assume driving conditions that do not involve wind, physics, or going anywhere in particular.”
Industry insiders describe the realistic highway range as “340… spiritual miles,” adding that the car believes it could do it, in a supportive, vision-board sort of way.
One driver described the experience:
“I merged onto the interstate at 80%… and by the time I passed the third semi, I was at 38% and the car was asking for emotional support, directions to the nearest charger, and possibly a priest.”
In response to concerns, Tesla has announced a new “Real World Mode” toggle in the next update. When enabled, it simply drops the displayed range to 192 miles and whispers, “yeah, probably.”
Owners remain optimistic.
Because the charging station is only mostly out of order.