ANAHEIM, CA — Tesla dealerships across the nation descended into sweaty chaos this quarter, as thousands of buyers lined up to experience one final $7,500 government-subsidized fling with Elon Musk.
“I knew the relationship was toxic,” admitted new Model Y owner Brenda Lopez, “but the thrill of being financially dominated by a billionaire tech daddy one more time was just too much to resist.” She added that while she’ll probably regret it every time her autopilot tries to merge into a school bus, the momentary high was “worth it.”
Industry analysts described the surge in sales as “a nationwide hookup culture with Musk,” with Americans eagerly signing 72-month financing deals just to feel something before the government cut them off cold turkey.
“Elon has a way of leaving you unsatisfied and slightly poorer, but you keep coming back,” explained Wedbush’s Dan Ives. “This quarter was basically a drunk text that turned into half a million deliveries.”
Despite the surge, Tesla’s stock dipped as Wall Street investors noted that Americans will only tolerate so many red flags in a relationship, even if the car doors still open like wings.
At press time, Musk was reportedly working on Tesla’s new robotaxi business, which insiders say will function like Uber but with the added risk of climaxing by plowing into a parked firetruck.