PALO ALTO, CA — Tesla has rolled out its latest “Full Self-Driving” software, FSD v14, which promises to make your car “feel more human” — a description that has alarmed everyone who’s ever met a human.
The update lets Teslas park themselves with “memory preferences,” meaning the car will now remember whether you like parallel parking on the street, in your driveway, or diagonally across two handicapped spaces outside Starbucks.
Perhaps most notably, Tesla has introduced “Sloth Mode,” a new driving profile for those who wish to move at the unhurried pace of DMV bureaucracy. According to Tesla engineers, the mode is ideal for “drivers who like to think about lane changes for several minutes before actually committing.”
FSD v14 also features a “Start Self-Driving” button that can be pressed while already moving, a feature critics have described as “a bold new way to test your life insurance policy.”
Early users report the software feels “more decisive,” though one tester noted it still “panicked when faced with a low-flying plastic bag” and “attempted to drive through a locked fence in a show of algorithmic confidence.”
Tesla insists the car’s improved neural net now “understands traffic,” though experts point out it still struggles to understand concepts like stop signs and laws.
Meanwhile, competitors like Rivian continue to tout lidar technology — a laser-based system for mapping the world — prompting Elon Musk to double down on Tesla’s camera-only approach. “Our cars don’t need lasers,” Musk said in a post on X. “They just need faith.”
In related news, a leaked internal document confirmed that FSD v15 will allow Teslas to parallel park emotionally, mimicking the quiet frustration of every driver who’s ever tried to fit into a space the size of a folded napkin.