In a bold move that experts are calling “the most ambitious intellectual property grab since Facebook tried to trademark the word ‘face,’” Automattic Inc.—the company behind WordPress.com—has officially informed Automatic.CSS that they must rebrand, because the word “automatic” is obviously theirs, and everyone else is just borrowing it.
Sources say the cease-and-desist letter arrived with the subject line: “We Own the Word Now, Sorry.”
A Monopoly on English
Automattic spokespeople clarified that their claim isn’t just over the name of a company, but over the general concept of automation as a whole.
“If something happens without human intervention, we own a percentage of the vibe,” said an attorney who was hired strictly to say menacing things into microphones.
The company is reportedly drafting similar letters to:
- Car manufacturers with automatic transmissions
- Home appliance makers
- Anyone who has ever said, “It’s automatic” when explaining a printer
Rumors indicate that ATMs have until Friday to rebrand as “Money-Dispensing Machines, Brought to You by a Company That Isn’t Automattic.”
New Brand Ideas Suggested
Automattic generously recommended several non-infringing names for Automatic.CSS, including:
- Definitely-Not-Automatic.CSS
- We-Surrender.CSS
- Please-Don’t-Sue-Us-We’re-Tired.CSS
- Manual.CSS (Open Source Knitting Instructions Included)
The company also suggested AI.CSS, but only on the condition that AI stands for Automattic-Inspired.
The Future of English Litigation
Legal experts warn that this move sets a dangerous precedent.
“If they win this case, next they’ll go after ‘press,’ ‘word,’ and ‘dot com,’” said one analyst, looking nervously at his keyboard like it might cost him royalties.
Documents leaked from Automattic’s legal department show a pipeline of upcoming trademark attempts, including:
- “Typography”
- “Website”
- “Mom and Pop”
- “The entire month of March”
Industry Reacts
Developers responded swiftly, pushing out an update labeled URGENT PATCH: Avoid Using Words That Companies Might Suddenly Claim to Own.
The patch replaces common terms with safer alternatives, such as:
- “Automatic” → “Hands-Free Sorcery”
- “Plugin” → “Friend-Shaped Code Blob”
- “Theme” → “Graphical Mood Blanket”
Thousands of blogs are expected to become unreadable by Monday. But sources say that’s “basically WordPress already,” so few will notice.
Automattic Issues Statement
In an attempt to calm the public, Automattic released an official statement that read:
“We are committed to protecting the words that define our brand. As of now, that includes ‘automatic,’ ‘Matt,’ and potentially ‘the.’ Please cooperate peacefully.”
Hours later, Matt Mullenweg reportedly filed paperwork to trademark all M-words, citing “brand purity.” Sesame Street is expected to appeal.
What’s Next
Industry insiders predict that by 2026, every startup will launch with a name like:
- Aut0m@tic
- Automatikkk
- F*ItWe’llJustUseTailwind.CSS**
Meanwhile, fearful citizens are choosing to avoid the contested word altogether. Sales of manual transmission vehicles, crank-washers, and hand-cranked butter churns surged overnight.
Historians say it’s the greatest return to analog technology since Taylor Swift released vinyl.
If you want a sequel headline like “Automatic.CSS Responds: ‘We Were Gonna Rename It to AI.CSS Anyway, Calm Down, Grandpa’” — I can do that too.