In a bold leap toward the future of personal responsibility, Tesla CEO and part-time intergalactic warlord Elon Musk announced that the newest version of Full Self-Driving (Supervised) now allows drivers to text while operating a two-ton electric missile “depending on context of surrounding traffic.”
Experts say this is a groundbreaking safety feature, because nothing screams “context awareness” like a human staring at a meme while a robot decides whether a red light is “a suggestion or a vibe.”
While nearly every U.S. state has made texting while driving illegal, Tesla has bravely decided to ignore decades of boring research and centuries of social contracts, choosing instead to crowdsource reality.
As Musk put it, the update simply reflects “how people drive anyway.”
No PR Team, No Problem
Tesla, which hasn’t employed a PR department since Musk replaced it with a flamethrower and a Dogecoin, was unavailable to clarify what exactly “depending on context” means. Insiders speculate it’s something like:
- Light traffic: Go ahead and sext your ex.
- Heavy traffic: Maybe send shorter messages.
- School zone: Write a thoughtful paragraph about safety.
And just in case anyone is tempted to assume FSD is fully autonomous, Tesla reminds drivers that they still must keep hands on the wheel, eyes on the road, and souls prepared to be abruptly yeeted back into control whenever the AI has an existential crisis at a roundabout.
Regulators: “Please Stop Doing This”
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, which has the overworked energy of a parent trying to stop a toddler from eating Lego bricks, is currently investigating reports of FSD running red lights, drifting into wrong lanes, and—presumably—ghosting stop signs because they seemed “needy.”
NHTSA did not immediately comment, mostly because they’ve spent the last seven months trying to figure out how to issue a recall for “vibes-based driving.”
Legal Drama Continues
Meanwhile, California’s DMV continues its legal battle over whether Tesla has been misleading customers by implying their cars can drive themselves, despite occasionally behaving like confused Roombas with road rage.
California is asking the judge to suspend Tesla sales for at least 30 days—although critics warn that could cause thousands of Tesla owners to suddenly remember how to interact with public transit, risking widespread panic.
Musk Remains Optimistic
Despite the investigations, crashes, and mild body count, Musk is confident in his mission to free people from the oppressive tyranny of looking at the road.
“People deserve the freedom to live their lives, even at highway speeds,” Musk reportedly said, while retweeting sword memes and scheduling a rocket launch.
The CEO added that texting while driving shouldn’t be judged so harshly because, at the end of the day, “If our AI can’t figure out how to keep you from dying while you’re texting, is it truly intelligent?”
The feature is currently rolling out in North America and will be followed by Tesla’s next update, Full Self-Accountability Avoidance, which automatically denies guilt in the event of a crash, lawsuit, or congressional hearing.
Because in the future, your car doesn’t just drive for you — it lies for you, too.