📍 Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In the latest twist of the increasingly surreal saga involving former President Donald Trump and the late financier Jeffrey Epstein, Trump took to Truth Social this morning to declare that the newly released emails linking him to Epstein are “obviously fake” because, quote, “I don’t use email. I use extremely presidential hand gestures.”
The emails, obtained by House Oversight Committee Democrats and now circulating like a bad buffet shrimp at a Trump hotel, appear to show Epstein describing Trump as “the dog that hasn’t barked,” to which Trump responded today: “Wrong. I barked. I barked so strongly. People were amazed. They said, ‘Sir, that’s the strongest bark we’ve ever heard.’”
“I Thought Ghislaine Was Recruiting for The Apprentice”
Pressed on Epstein’s 2019 claim that Trump told Ghislaine Maxwell to stop recruiting girls from Mar-a-Lago, Trump insisted it was all a misunderstanding:
“She said she needed interns. I thought she meant unpaid reality show contestants. That’s how business works in New York. Or on islands.”
“Photos in Bikinis? They Were Wearing Patriotic Swimsuits!”
Among the more eyebrow-raising revelations was Epstein’s boast that he had photos of “Donald and girls in bikinis in my kitchen.” Trump quickly dismissed this, claiming:
“That was clearly during our ‘Miss Teen Ambassador to the Middle East Peace Summit’ event. Very tasteful. Extremely educational. The bikinis had American flags. Probably the most respectful bikinis ever made.”
When asked if he had been inside Epstein’s house, Trump clarified:
“I might’ve been near it. Or in a house next to it. Or maybe I saw it on Zillow once. I don’t know. Could’ve been a Mar-a-Lago satellite location. Very confusing. Lots of Mediterranean tile.”
The “Dog That Hasn’t Barked” Barks Back
Political analysts say Epstein calling Trump “the dog that hasn’t barked” suggests Epstein expected Trump to be publicly implicated years ago.
Trump’s legal team countered that Trump was simply “a silent but loyal golden retriever of democracy,” while Trump himself posted:
“They’re calling me the Sherlock Holmes of Epstein Island. But I wasn’t there. I didn’t go. If I did go, I left early. And if I stayed, it was to use the bathroom. A very nice bathroom. The best toilet.”
Situation Room, More Like Situation Groom
CNN reports that Trump personally held a Situation Room meeting to stop the release of the full Epstein files. Trump called this “Fake News” and insisted the room wasn’t even a real situation:
“It was more of a casual vibe. I brought Big Macs. We played Uno.”
MAGA PAC Launches “Epstein Never Happened” Tour
In response to growing questions, Trump’s new PAC, Presidents Don’t Island, is launching a nationwide tour headlined by Kid Rock and Eric Trump. Stops will include:
- Churches with no age of consent laws
- Former Pizza Huts turned into Patriot Learning Centers
- A mall kiosk selling red hats that read: “I DON’T KNOW HER”
Final Thoughts from Trump
“I was too rich and successful to know what Epstein was doing,” Trump told supporters. “If anything, he copied me. I invented the creepy billionaire lifestyle. I perfected it. And unlike him, I never got caught. Wait—strike that. Fake news.”
Asked if he planned to testify before Congress if subpoenaed, Trump said:
“Only if the hearing includes a swimsuit segment. And snacks.”
Developing… 🧂