MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In the wake of a House Oversight Committee document dump revealing a trove of emails tying Donald Trump’s name to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, the former president responded with confusion, declaring, “Wait — Jeffrey Epstein wasn’t that guy who ran the all-inclusive spa retreat with the jets?”
According to aides, Trump was halfway through drafting a Yelp review titled “Terrific seafood, weird guest list!” when he was informed that Epstein was, in fact, dead — and also not a Sandals Resort manager.
“I had no idea he was into anything shady,” Trump said. “He always seemed very classy. He used to bring so many young… interns, I assumed it was a summer camp thing.”
White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt blasted Democrats for the release, accusing them of “weaponizing Gmail” and called the emails a “deep-state phishing expedition with political attachments.”
Meanwhile, the Oversight Committee confirmed that Epstein had mentioned Trump in multiple emails over the years, including one cryptic message to Ghislaine Maxwell that read, “That dog that hasn’t barked is Trump.” Sources believe this may be a reference to either Trump’s silence on the issue… or his allergy to accountability.
In response, MAGA supporters took to Truth Social to insist Epstein had actually been invented by George Soros in a laboratory beneath a vegan Whole Foods, and the emails were forged using Microsoft Word 2007.
Michael Wolff, the author also named in the email chain, offered a typically blurry response: “I don’t remember the details. I talk to a lot of billionaires accused of unspeakable things. They all sort of blend together — like a yacht orgy smoothie.”
Ghislaine Maxwell, speaking from prison, defended Trump: “I never saw Donald do anything improper. Every time he visited, he brought a Bible and a miniature American flag.” She paused, then added, “But then again, I was on a lot of ketamine.”
Epstein himself, in a posthumous attempt to clarify the record, was recently spotted in an anonymous Reddit AMA hosted from an IP address traced to a private island’s ethernet cable. When asked about Trump, he simply replied, “No comment, ask the pilot.”
The Trump campaign has since launched a new slogan in response to the controversy:
“Make Amnesia Great Again.”
More developing soon — depending on what gets redacted next.