In a shocking revelation to America’s underground “metals acquisition industry,” it turns out that the rash of charging station cable thefts may have been a little… overhyped.
“Yeah, man, I thought I was pulling down at least $1,000 worth of copper per cord,” said one thief, visibly exhausted after lugging 14 severed charging cables to a scrap yard, only to walk away with $3.27 and a coupon for half-off windshield wiper fluid. “Now I just got a sore back and some very angry Tesla drivers chasing me on foot.”
ChargePoint CEO Rick Wilmer confirmed the grim news for amateur metallurgists everywhere. “There’s basically no copper in those cables. Cutting 40 of them is about as lucrative as returning empty soda cans,” Wilmer said, before sighing and motioning toward the company’s parking lot, where employees were forced to play musical chairs with chargers after thieves raided the lot—twice.
But ChargePoint isn’t taking this lying down. The company has developed a new theft-resistant cable that’s basically the Kevlar vest of cords. Hardened steel wire, bulletproof polymer layers, and—just for flair—what insiders describe as “the emotional weight of a disappointed dad shaking his head at you.”
And if the steel-polymer blend doesn’t do it, ChargePoint Protect, the new EV charger alarm, promises to shatter your will to live.
“It’s like the sound of 10,000 car alarms mating with an elementary school fire drill,” Wilmer explained. “If you cut one, the siren blares and lights flash until everyone within a mile radius hates you personally.”
Experts believe these deterrents will eventually force thieves back into more traditional heists—like stealing catalytic converters, jacking single-DIN stereos, or fencing stolen Beanie Babies on eBay.
At press time, several would-be cable thieves were spotted furiously Googling: “how much copper in Xbox HDMI cord.”