ANAHEIM, CA — Local Tesla dealerships reported scenes of pure chaos last week as patriotic Americans trampled each other for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to pay only $52,500 for a Model Y before the federal tax credit expired.
Witnesses described the atmosphere as “Black Friday, but for rich people,” with one Orange County dad elbowing past a grandmother to lock in a base Model 3. “I don’t even need an electric car,” he admitted, “but I’ll be damned if I miss out on a coupon worth 12%.”
Elon Musk, speaking from his new office at the Department of Government Efficiency, praised the surge. “Americans are proving they will absolutely bankrupt themselves for minor discounts,” Musk said, before tweeting, “Buying Tesla now is basically free money. Also, Dogecoin is legal tender.”
Despite the record sales, Tesla stock dropped 3% Thursday after analysts noted the spike was fueled entirely by panic shoppers treating EVs like Costco toilet paper. “This is less of a rebound and more of a Costco sample table,” explained one analyst. “Everybody wants it when it’s free, then they remember it tastes like cardboard.”
Meanwhile, Cadillac of Beverly Hills reported a “significant increase” in EV sales, which experts believe was caused by Californians mistaking Cadillacs for Teslas in dim parking garages.
Looking forward, analysts predict Tesla sales will dip once buyers realize that without the tax credit, they’ll be paying full price and still explaining to their HOA why their garage looks like a radioactive toaster.
At press time, Musk confirmed Tesla would pivot to its robotaxi program, which he described as “Uber, but more expensive and without drivers who tell you their life story.”