CRYSTAL LAKE, IL — In a historic achievement for bipedalism worldwide, Crystal Lake has officially been named a Runner Friendly Community for 2025–2030, following a painstaking application process led by the Hillstriders Running Club and absolutely no input from anyone who enjoys sitting.
“This is a monumental day,” said a Hillstriders spokesperson, standing in front of a ceremonial ribbon made entirely of reflective safety vests. “Crystal Lake is now nationally recognized as a place where you can jog without being hunted by a Ford F-150. That’s progress.”
The distinction—bestowed only upon cities that meet strict criteria such as “has sidewalks,” “occasionally plows them,” and “drivers do not actively aim for you”—is expected to boost local morale, tourism, and the number of people who claim they’re ‘getting back into running soon.’
City leaders celebrated the announcement by unveiling a 37-page strategic plan titled “We Promise to Stop Dumping Gravel on the Trails Now.” Meanwhile, motorists responded by rolling their eyes so hard that several reported temporary dizziness.
Local non-runners expressed cautious optimism. “Look, I’m happy for them,” said Crystal Lake resident Janet Miller, who has not run since an eighth-grade fitness test. “But if one more person invites me to a 5K at 7 a.m., I’m calling the police.”
Hillstriders officials say the recognition is only the beginning.
“By 2030, we hope Crystal Lake will achieve our ultimate vision,” said one club member. “A world where every resident owns at least three pairs of shoes, two hydration belts, and one unfinished Couch-to-5K plan.”
At press time, the club was preparing its next official request to the city: “Runner Friendly, Yes — But Can We Be Dog-Who-Hates-Strollers Friendly Too?”