In a stunning new cultural report released this morning, historians confirmed what every Target aisle has been whispering for years: pumpkin spice is no longer a flavor. It’s now a sovereign nation.
What began centuries ago as a violent global scramble for nutmeg and cinnamon has evolved into something far more dangerous: a $500 million-a-year seasonal dictatorship that reenacts colonialism by aggressively conquering your senses, your credit card, and your will to live.
Starbucks, widely regarded as the “Christopher Columbus of Basic Beverages,” introduced the Pumpkin Spice Latte in 2003—an event now considered the official start of modern pumpkin spice imperialism. Experts describe it as “the first warm, foamy shot heard ’round the world.”
Since then, pumpkin spice has metastasized beyond food:
- Pumpkin spice deodorant
- Pumpkin spice hummus
- Pumpkin spice kitty litter, because cats also deserve the comforting aroma of violent spice-trade colonialism
- Pumpkin spice trash bags, for when your garbage deserves to smell like a white woman in Uggs walking into a Barnes & Noble
Anthropologists say pumpkin spice works because it activates the part of the American brain responsible for believing autumn is a personality.
But the spice blend’s dark past has resurfaced. The #DecolonizePumpkinSpice movement warns consumers that the comforting latte is historically tied to centuries of brutal conquest, forced labor, and oppressive cinnamon-peeling regimes. However, their efforts were dismissed after most activists accidentally drank their protest signs when they realized their oat-milk PSLs were “actually delicious.”
Even so, pumpkin spice continues to expand its empire. This year, Starbucks released its PSL on August 26—a date meteorologists now refer to as “Faux Fall Eve.” The release triggered a 27% spike in store traffic and a measurable drop in national productivity as millions left their desks to participate in America’s annual ritual of buying something warm to post on Instagram with the caption “cozy vibes.”
Pumpkin spice’s market domination has become so total that geopolitical experts believe the next global conflict will be fought entirely with flavored lattes. China is reportedly developing a counter-flavor called “Communist Crunch,” while France has declared that pumpkin spice is “an abomination against the concept of flavor,” which is the harshest insult allowable under French law.
Still, supporters say pumpkin spice isn’t going anywhere.
“Pumpkin spice isn’t just surviving the ‘basic’ jokes,” says one food trend analyst. “She’s thriving because she is who we are. Warm. Nostalgic. And completely unwilling to acknowledge our colonial past if it smells good.”
As America consumes another record-breaking avalanche of PSLs, one thing is clear:
Pumpkin spice didn’t just conquer a nation—it became one.