WASHINGTON (The OnYawn Post) — In a stunning announcement sure to rattle mahogany conference rooms from Lockheed to Raytheon, U.S. Army Secretary Dan Driscoll accused defense contractors of what he called “high-level artisanal grifting,” after discovering the Pentagon had been paying designer prices for garage-sale gear.
Speaking to reporters while clutching a $15 plastic knob sourced from “some guy on Etsy,” Driscoll stated, “For decades, we’ve been buying military tech like we’re shopping at Goop. No more. I’m tired of watching billion-dollar jets get grounded because their cup holders cost more than a Toyota Corolla.”
Defense contractors responded with confusion. “The knob in question was handcrafted in a rare Peruvian alloy and prayed over by a Lockheed-certified monk,” a Lockheed Martin spokesperson claimed. “It also includes Bluetooth.”
🎖️ The New Mission: Buy Like a Dad at Harbor Freight
Driscoll outlined his plan for overhauling the acquisition process by simply allowing military buyers to, quote, “Google it first.” Under the new “Don’t Get Robbed Act,” procurement officers will be issued Amazon Prime accounts and a laminated list of things that should never cost five figures, including door handles, antennas, and shoelaces.
“We’re not trying to ruin anyone’s yacht payments,” said Driscoll, “we’re just asking why a drone costs more than a year at Harvard.”
🛠️ Right to Repair, Left to Cry
The Army’s statement came days after Senator Elizabeth Warren renewed calls for “Right to Repair” legislation, noting that “if an eighth grader with a soldering iron can fix an Xbox, the Army should be allowed to change the battery on a $12 million robot dog.”
In an emergency joint press conference, the CEOs of Boeing, Northrop Grumman, and RTX collectively fainted into a pile of shredded tax incentives.
📦 Commercial Drones: Now with Fewer Kickbacks
Moving away from the “defense-industrial couture line,” the Army now plans to buy 1 million drones from companies that make drones for normal things—like wedding videos and raccoon surveillance.
“These drones may not come with a $300,000 government-certified serial number sticker,” Driscoll noted, “but they fly. And they don’t charge us $85,000 for a replacement propeller.”
💸 Future Plans
Next, the Army will reportedly investigate a $98,000 government contract to supply troops with “military-grade” spoons, which closely resemble the sporks available for free at KFC.
Pentagon insiders fear this shift could lead to a “dangerous precedent” of common sense. One anonymous defense consultant warned, “If the government starts paying market value, how will I afford my seventh home in Aspen?”
Developing…