“Start with Bill Clinton, then Larry Summers, maybe my reflection last — if necessary.”
PALM BEACH, FL — In a bold attempt to head off growing bipartisan support for the full release of Jeffrey Epstein’s files, former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social Friday to announce a sweeping new initiative: an investigation into “everyone involved with Epstein — except me, obviously.”
The directive, delivered in all caps and laced with three eagle emojis and one GIF of a bald eagle playing the national anthem on electric guitar, called on Attorney General Pam Bondi to investigate a wide range of Epstein’s associates, “including but not limited to Bill Clinton, Larry Summers, Reid Hoffman, JPMorgan, Chase, Jenga, Jeopardy, and probably Joy Behar.”
Bondi, last seen booking a Carnival cruise called “Power and Redemption: A DOJ Experience,” swiftly confirmed her intent to comply, assigning former SEC chair Jay Clayton to lead the probe. “We will go where the evidence takes us — unless it takes us somewhere uncomfortable, like Mar-a-Lago,” said Clayton, holding a magnifying glass to a blown-up photo of Bill Gates looking suspiciously at a menu.
“Only Democrats Flew the Plane”
Trump insisted that the renewed focus on Epstein is “another HOAX,” akin to Russia, the Mueller investigation, and the time Melania “allegedly moved out.” In a follow-up post, he added, “Unlike Crooked Clinton, I didn’t even like Epstein’s island. Not enough gold. Frankly sad! Should’ve had more golf.”
When pressed by Megyn Kelly on why he doesn’t just release the files, Trump reportedly responded, “Why don’t YOU release the files, Megyn? You have pretty hair. You look like you’d have files.”
According to insiders, Trump initially planned to throw his weight behind the document release until discovering his own name appeared 17 times — 16 in emails and once on a cocktail napkin underlined next to the words “ban black socks.”
“An Investigation Into Why We’re Being Investigated”
Critics point out that launching a criminal investigation into Epstein’s inner circle is a great way to legally not release the very files everyone is asking to see. Legal experts say this is known as the “O.J. Simpson Glove Maneuver”: stall until nobody remembers who was wearing what.
“It’s genius,” said an anonymous White House official. “If we can tie this up in investigations, hearings, and non-disclosure orders until the sun explodes, we’re golden.”
Meanwhile, Speaker Mike Johnson confirmed the House will still vote next week on releasing the files, calling it “a transparency measure that absolutely will not backfire and plunge the entire American political class into irreversible scandal.”
JPMorgan Regrets, Deeply, Having Eyes and Ears in the 2000s
In a preemptive statement, JPMorgan reiterated that it “regrets any association with Epstein,” but stopped short of apologizing for its 2023 settlements, or for once describing Epstein as “an ideal client — well-connected, punctual, discreet, and always stocked with M&Ms in the waiting area.”
The bank also released a commemorative plaque reading: “We Saw Nothing. We Knew Nothing. We Deposited Everything.”
Coming Soon: Epstein: The Musical (Sponsored by Truth Social)
As media pressure builds, Trump is reportedly considering a rebranding effort. Working titles include:
- “The Epstein Hoax: A Deep State Musical”
- “Flight Logs Are for Losers”
- “Clinton Did It: The Game Show”
- and his favorite, “I Never Met the Guy, But If I Did, He Liked Hillary.”
In unrelated news, the Truth Social servers briefly went down Friday after users attempted to search “Trump + Epstein” and the AI assistant short-circuited with the response: “Would you like to search ‘crooked democrats’ instead?”
Welcome to 2025. The year where every investigation is a mirror and every file is a boomerang.