GURNEE, IL — In a development shocking absolutely no one except the CDC, the same receptionist who spent last week acoustically pepper-spraying the entire office with coughs has triumphantly returned — still coughing with the consistency and determination of a diesel engine that never learned how to idle.
Witnesses confirm she strolled back into the building this morning with the relaxed confidence of someone who believes contagion builds character in others.
“It’s been three days. THREE,” said one employee clutching a family-size bottle of hand sanitizer like it’s a holy artifact. “At this point, the coughing has a rhythm. I think I can dance to it.”
Employees describe the cough as:
- Louder than last week
- Sharper than a stapler dropped from the second floor
- And more persistent than the guy from Sales who emails “quick question” 14 times a day
Some staff swear it’s gotten predictable — like nature’s metronome. The office printer now jams exactly every fourth cough.
Coworkers reported hearing her from the parking lot this morning, with one describing it as “a mating call for airborne pathogens.”
THE KEURIG HAS NOT BEEN SPARED
In a horrifying continuation of events, she has resumed her Keurig pilgrimages, gripping the handle with hands that look like they’ve been lightly marinated in hospital waiting room air. The machine now emits a faint wheeze, possibly in solidarity.
Office morale has plummeted to “mid-January energy,” and several employees have begun placing bets on what will give out first:
- The receptionist’s lungs
- The office HVAC
- Or everyone’s will to live
Management has yet to intervene, aside from placing a single bottle of generic cough syrup in the break room next to a passive-aggressive sign reading, “PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH :)”
At press time, the receptionist unleashed another cough so seismic it caused a motivational poster to fall off the wall.