WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “the most traumatic policy for millennials since student loans,” President Donald Trump has officially reinstated the Presidential Fitness Test — the Cold War–era rite of passage that once forced generations of children to publicly discover they couldn’t do a single pull-up. The order, signed late July, […]
Category: HC
In a devastating blow to artificial intelligence credibility, ChatGPT — a multimillion-dollar marvel of modern computing — has once again proven it can write entire novels, diagnose your emotional trauma, and summarize existential philosophy… but can’t add 65 numbers without completely imploding. Witnesses report the AI spent several tense minutes performing what it called “careful […]
In a bold, innovative, and deeply cursed attempt to make homeownership “affordable again,” former President Donald Trump took to social media to suggest the 50-year mortgage, a plan immediately hailed by economists as “a stunning way to die with dignity—and debt.” Bill Pulte, head of the Federal Housing Finance Agency and self-described “House-Flipping Czar,” enthusiastically […]
CUPERTINO, CA — In a move that has tech industry insiders nodding politely while slowly backing away, Apple Inc. has reportedly agreed to fork over a casual $1 billion annually to Google for use of its massive 1.2 trillion-parameter Gemini AI model — marking the first time in history a trillion-dollar company has asked its […]
In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted except every poll, voter, political scientist, and sentient houseplant, Republicans suffered sweeping defeats Tuesday night — prompting the party to bravely blame everything except itself. Donald Trump, the humble 300-pound lighthouse guiding America’s democracy, generously explained the results: “TRUMP WAS NOT ON […]
Experts: Sudden throttle twist may confuse vehicle into offering emotional support instead of braking CHICAGO — A new safety bulletin issued today advises motorcyclists to “move like a regular person with errands” when a Tesla approaches from behind, after researchers confirmed that the automaker’s Full Self-Driving system occasionally identifies motorcycles as pedestrians who just really […]
Carpentersville, IL – In an emotionally charged turn of events this morning, local office worker Brian Thompson was faced with the tragic reality of an empty lunch bag – for the second time in 8 minutes. “I don’t know how this keeps happening,” Thompson said, peering into his now-sadly-bare plastic sandwich bag, a tinge of […]
In a stunning move that has left the world reeling, Diet Coke has unveiled its boldest innovation yet: a new formula that contains absolutely nothing—not sugar, not calories, and, for the first time in history, not a single trace of flavor. “We’ve heard the people loud and clear,” said Diet Coke CEO, Karen Lightyear. “They […]
BALTIMORE — The Chicago Bears had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity Sunday afternoon: to not be the Chicago Bears. Unfortunately, they politely declined. Coming into Week 8 at 4–2, Chicago had a chance to exorcise the demons of 2024 — but after accidentally tackling themselves for four straight possessions and refusing to enter the endzone without written […]
In what experts are calling “a catastrophic breach in the aesthetic supply chain,” a plumber driving around with a Hotmail email painted on his van has emerged as the final surviving source of unprocessed authenticity in the continental United States. Witnesses report the van displayed: “It’s basically like spotting a woolly mammoth,” said one brand […]
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