PALO ALTO, CA — In a bold pivot that surprised no one and confused nearly everyone, Elon Musk took to his favorite social media site (which he also owns, in case you forgot) to announce that Tesla is now an AI chip company — and possibly, by next week, a sentient blockchain. “Most people don’t […]
Category: HC
ATLANTA—In a bold and refreshing new commitment to absolutely winging it, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention updated its vaccine guidance this week to say, essentially, “¯\_(ツ)_/¯ anything’s possible,” stunning scientists, delighting anti-vaxx Facebook groups, and causing one senator to audibly shriek into a decorative handkerchief. The update, which reverses decades of research, agency […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new interpretation of reality, the Department of Education has announced that nursing — the field responsible for keeping Americans alive, bandaged, hydrated, and vaguely calm since the beginning of hospitals — will no longer qualify as a “professional degree.” Instead, nursing will now be recategorized as something between a […]
CRYSTAL LAKE, IL — In a historic achievement for bipedalism worldwide, Crystal Lake has officially been named a Runner Friendly Community for 2025–2030, following a painstaking application process led by the Hillstriders Running Club and absolutely no input from anyone who enjoys sitting. “This is a monumental day,” said a Hillstriders spokesperson, standing in front […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move legal scholars are calling “somewhere between performance art and a coupon code for crime,” President Donald Trump quietly pardoned 77 people involved in the 2020 fake electors scheme earlier this month. The pardons, signed on Nov. 7, were posted to X by U.S. Pardon Attorney Ed Martin, who — […]
LOS ANGELES—In a moment historians are already describing as “peak 2025 energy,” Kim Kardashian revealed on Hulu that she was the mysterious buyer of O.J. Simpson’s spiritually confused Bible, originally gifted by her father, the late Robert Kardashian, during the world’s slowest and most televised car chase. “So, if anyone wondered who won that O.J. […]
In a stunning revelation that has rocked workplaces, gyms, and suburban kitchen islands across the country, Americans collectively glanced at their wrists today and discovered a universal truth: It is not lunchtime. It is not meeting time. It is not “pick up the kids” time.It is, in fact, “time to charge your watch.” The discovery […]
With the launch of NKO Club, former Peloton instructor Kendall Toole blends fitness, nutrition and mental health into a holistic platform. In June 2024, Kendall Toole shocked millions of fans by walking away from one of the most visible fitness platforms in the world. Best known for her years as a Peloton instructor advocating for […]
In a dramatic reminder that the entire global internet is apparently held together with a single YAML file and a prayer, massive chunks of the web—including X, ChatGPT, Grindr, Canva, and Downdetector itself—collapsed Tuesday after Cloudflare admitted it pushed an “oopsie-doopsie configuration file” that instantly detonated its own infrastructure. “We apologize to our customers and […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—In an exclusive interview delivered with all the calm detachment of a man explaining that gravity might stop working, Alphabet CEO Sundar Pichai warned Monday that if the AI bubble bursts, “every company will be affected, including Google.” Economists, investors, and several dozen crypto influencers immediately fainted. Pichai, whose company’s value has doubled […]
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