WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling “a bold new era of criminal justice outsourcing,” Secretary of State Marco Rubio reportedly agreed to trade away federal informants like expired Pokémon cards in exchange for VIP access to El Salvador’s internationally-renowned Torture Spa & Resort, also known as CECOT — the world’s only prison marketed […]
Category: HC
Tesla has once again delivered on its promise of “up to 340 miles of range”, according to testing performed in a controlled environment:• 47 degrees• downhill• tailwind supplied by God• speed: 19mph• radio off• passengers: 0• hope: maximum However, unconfirmed sources report a slight reduction in range when driven like an actual car on an […]
In a stunning development, a mild-mannered grandparent from Boca Raton briefly opened a Vanguard account and was instantly swarmed by 19-year-olds yelling “JUST DUMP IT ALL INTO VTI BRO 🚀🚀🚀” before he even finished typing his password. Analysts report he was later found muttering, “…I just wanted to not die hungry,” while being pelted with […]
SILICON VALLEY—In a bold move to reassure everyone who’s ever forgotten to renew their domain, WordPress.com has unveiled its “100-Year Plan”—a hosting package designed to keep your blog alive well after your family, your business, and possibly civilization itself are gone. The initiative attracted early adopters like Net Literacy, a nonprofit hoping its online curriculum […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development no one could have possibly foreseen, the U.S. government issued a sternly worded paragraph today condemning the Chinese Communist Party for… acting like the Chinese Communist Party. The statement came after China detained several leaders of an unregistered Christian “house church,” including Pastor Mingri “Ezra” Jin. The U.S. responded […]
CHICAGO — Local office legend and part-time human Petri dish, Dave from Accounting, arrived to work Monday sporting what witnesses described as “a fully sentient stye” pulsating from his left eyelid. Coworkers immediately noticed the swelling — described by one HR representative as “half medical issue, half personality trait” — yet Dave insisted on powering […]
BOCA CHICA, TX — In what experts are calling “a surprising show of restraint,” SpaceX successfully launched and landed its Starship rocket for the second time in a row Monday evening, marking the company’s first official streak of not turning a billion-dollar rocket into avant-garde fireworks. The test, conducted at SpaceX’s Starbase facility, was the […]
In a stunning escalation of marketing jargon, digital agencies nationwide have entered what experts are calling “The Acronym Schism,” a messy civil war in which consultants argue not about strategy, but about which three-letter buzzword deserves top billing on the proposal cover page. Early combatants took the GEO hill (Generative Engine Optimization), insisting they invented […]
ANAHEIM, CA — Tesla dealerships across the nation descended into sweaty chaos this quarter, as thousands of buyers lined up to experience one final $7,500 government-subsidized fling with Elon Musk. “I knew the relationship was toxic,” admitted new Model Y owner Brenda Lopez, “but the thrill of being financially dominated by a billionaire tech daddy […]
PALO ALTO, CA — Tesla has rolled out its latest “Full Self-Driving” software, FSD v14, which promises to make your car “feel more human” — a description that has alarmed everyone who’s ever met a human. The update lets Teslas park themselves with “memory preferences,” meaning the car will now remember whether you like parallel […]
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