OMAHA, NE — In what experts are now calling “the greatest crossover disappointment since Fortnite x Crocs,” competitive volleyball athletes across the country are baffled that racking up kills in real life does not, in fact, level up their Call of Duty accounts. “I had 14 kills last match,” said outside hitter Trevor Madsen, staring […]
Category: HC
GURNEE, IL — In what coworkers are calling “both a biological event and a masterclass in perseverance,” a visibly ill receptionist at a local workplace spent the entire day coughing with the percussive force of a WWII anti-aircraft gun while stationed at the front desk — the perfect acoustic amplifier for aerosol distribution. Employees across […]
📍 Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In the latest twist of the increasingly surreal saga involving former President Donald Trump and the late financier Jeffrey Epstein, Trump took to Truth Social this morning to declare that the newly released emails linking him to Epstein are “obviously fake” because, quote, “I don’t use email. I use extremely presidential […]
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In the wake of a House Oversight Committee document dump revealing a trove of emails tying Donald Trump’s name to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, the former president responded with confusion, declaring, “Wait — Jeffrey Epstein wasn’t that guy who ran the all-inclusive spa retreat with the jets?” According to aides, Trump […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “the most traumatic policy for millennials since student loans,” President Donald Trump has officially reinstated the Presidential Fitness Test — the Cold War–era rite of passage that once forced generations of children to publicly discover they couldn’t do a single pull-up. The order, signed late July, […]
In a devastating blow to artificial intelligence credibility, ChatGPT — a multimillion-dollar marvel of modern computing — has once again proven it can write entire novels, diagnose your emotional trauma, and summarize existential philosophy… but can’t add 65 numbers without completely imploding. Witnesses report the AI spent several tense minutes performing what it called “careful […]
In a bold, innovative, and deeply cursed attempt to make homeownership “affordable again,” former President Donald Trump took to social media to suggest the 50-year mortgage, a plan immediately hailed by economists as “a stunning way to die with dignity—and debt.” Bill Pulte, head of the Federal Housing Finance Agency and self-described “House-Flipping Czar,” enthusiastically […]
CUPERTINO, CA — In a move that has tech industry insiders nodding politely while slowly backing away, Apple Inc. has reportedly agreed to fork over a casual $1 billion annually to Google for use of its massive 1.2 trillion-parameter Gemini AI model — marking the first time in history a trillion-dollar company has asked its […]
In a stunning turn of events that absolutely no one could have predicted except every poll, voter, political scientist, and sentient houseplant, Republicans suffered sweeping defeats Tuesday night — prompting the party to bravely blame everything except itself. Donald Trump, the humble 300-pound lighthouse guiding America’s democracy, generously explained the results: “TRUMP WAS NOT ON […]
Experts: Sudden throttle twist may confuse vehicle into offering emotional support instead of braking CHICAGO — A new safety bulletin issued today advises motorcyclists to “move like a regular person with errands” when a Tesla approaches from behind, after researchers confirmed that the automaker’s Full Self-Driving system occasionally identifies motorcycles as pedestrians who just really […]
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