OTTAWA – In an unprecedented health mea culpa, officials from the Public Health Agency of Canada (PHAC) held a tongue-in-cheek press conference Monday to formally apologize to the measles virus for “rudely keeping it out of the country” for nearly 25 years. Canada’s health agency confirmed it has lost its measles elimination status after an […]
Category: HC
In a stunning new cultural report released this morning, historians confirmed what every Target aisle has been whispering for years: pumpkin spice is no longer a flavor. It’s now a sovereign nation. What began centuries ago as a violent global scramble for nutmeg and cinnamon has evolved into something far more dangerous: a $500 million-a-year […]
WASHINGTON (The OnYawn Post) — In a stunning announcement sure to rattle mahogany conference rooms from Lockheed to Raytheon, U.S. Army Secretary Dan Driscoll accused defense contractors of what he called “high-level artisanal grifting,” after discovering the Pentagon had been paying designer prices for garage-sale gear. Speaking to reporters while clutching a $15 plastic knob […]
“Start with Bill Clinton, then Larry Summers, maybe my reflection last — if necessary.” PALM BEACH, FL — In a bold attempt to head off growing bipartisan support for the full release of Jeffrey Epstein’s files, former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social Friday to announce a sweeping new initiative: an investigation into “everyone […]
SULFUR CAVE, ALBANIA–GREECE BORDER — In what scientists are calling “an evolutionary miracle” and what everyone else is calling “absolutely not, burn it,” researchers have discovered a 1,140-square-foot spider web housing an estimated 110,000 spiders, all peacefully cohabiting like the world’s hairiest condo association. The massive colony — essentially the cave version of a high-rise […]
GURNEE, IL — In a development shocking absolutely no one except the CDC, the same receptionist who spent last week acoustically pepper-spraying the entire office with coughs has triumphantly returned — still coughing with the consistency and determination of a diesel engine that never learned how to idle. Witnesses confirm she strolled back into the […]
OMAHA, NE — In what experts are now calling “the greatest crossover disappointment since Fortnite x Crocs,” competitive volleyball athletes across the country are baffled that racking up kills in real life does not, in fact, level up their Call of Duty accounts. “I had 14 kills last match,” said outside hitter Trevor Madsen, staring […]
GURNEE, IL — In what coworkers are calling “both a biological event and a masterclass in perseverance,” a visibly ill receptionist at a local workplace spent the entire day coughing with the percussive force of a WWII anti-aircraft gun while stationed at the front desk — the perfect acoustic amplifier for aerosol distribution. Employees across […]
📍 Mar-a-Lago, Florida — In the latest twist of the increasingly surreal saga involving former President Donald Trump and the late financier Jeffrey Epstein, Trump took to Truth Social this morning to declare that the newly released emails linking him to Epstein are “obviously fake” because, quote, “I don’t use email. I use extremely presidential […]
MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In the wake of a House Oversight Committee document dump revealing a trove of emails tying Donald Trump’s name to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, the former president responded with confusion, declaring, “Wait — Jeffrey Epstein wasn’t that guy who ran the all-inclusive spa retreat with the jets?” According to aides, Trump […]
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