In what critics are calling “Peloton but fascist”, director Francis Lawrence’s new film The Long Walk depicts a future where America combats laziness by forcing teens to literally walk until they die — and audiences are already raving that it’s “finally a movie that combines cardio with casual state-sanctioned murder.” The film, based on Stephen […]
Category: HC
CHICAGO — In a bold move that has left Bears fans equal parts hopeful and horrified, new head coach Ben Johnson promised Monday that Chicago’s 2025 offense will be built entirely on “math wizardry, fake pratfalls, and whatever I can diagram on a Waffle House napkin at 3 a.m.” The decision comes after Johnson’s infamous […]
PALO ALTO, CA — Tesla’s board of directors announced Thursday they had approved a proposed $1 trillion compensation package for CEO Elon Musk, officially making Monopoly money look like a conservative fiscal policy. The deal, which would give Musk 12% more of Tesla’s stock if the company hits an $8.5 trillion market cap, was described […]
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — In a move that has industry insiders muttering “of course they did” into their soy lattes, Tesla confirmed today that Porsche EV owners will soon be allowed to plug into its prized Supercharger network—provided they’re cool with paying a “non-Tesla convenience markup fee” rumored to range from “mildly insulting” to “are […]
CASTEL GANDOLFO, ITALY — In what experts are already calling “Eataly with more guilt,” Pope Leo XIV announced Friday that Chicago chef Art Smith and restaurateur Phil Stefani will open a new restaurant inside the Vatican’s 135-acre Borgo Laudato Si’ ecological training center. The culinary partnership, blessed personally by the Illinois Restaurant Association, will reportedly […]
CHICAGO — What began as a cold case search for a missing Arlington Heights couple from 1970 quickly turned into the discovery of nearly 100 sunken cars in the Chicago River, making it the first body of water in history to qualify for a Carfax report. Authorities were stunned but not surprised. “Honestly, we thought […]
In a stunning display of corporate transparency (and by “stunning” we mean “like being tased in the face”), Cloudflare has proudly announced that your Salesforce data took a week-long vacation in mid-August—complete with guided tours by an uninvited threat actor. The breach reportedly came courtesy of Salesloft Drift, a third-party support tool whose main feature […]
WASHINGTON, DC— Luke Farritor—formerly known as lukethecoder64, currently known as “Sir This Is A Federal Agency”—has reportedly completed the rare Silicon Prairie 100% Achievement Run: decode ancient scrolls, meet your Twitter heroes, join a government cost-cutting dojo named after a joke cryptocurrency, and accidentally wedge yourself into 23 lawsuits before your renter’s insurance kicks in. […]
INDIANAPOLIS—In what legal scholars are already calling “the world’s dumbest Spider-Man pointing meme,” Indiana bankruptcy attorney Mark S. Zuckerberg has filed a lawsuit against Meta Platforms for repeatedly banning him on Facebook for “impersonating Mark Zuckerberg.” Despite practicing law under his real name for nearly four decades, Zuckerberg claims Meta’s algorithms have flagged him at […]
SAN JOSE, CA — Financial historians confirmed Tuesday that had Elon Musk never sold PayPal, society would today be living in an alternate timeline where every single human interaction is inexplicably routed through a glitchy “PayPal Checkout” button. According to experts, Musk would have remained CEO, pivoting the company in 2006 from online payments to […]
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